Archive - 2011

December 15th

Billy Applesperm

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Memo to Bill Johnson: YEAH, RIGHT.

Time to return to a well-worn, but always funny trope here at You Are Dumb Dot Net. The pro-family Republican who likes it freaky. The homophobic Republican who likes male escorts. In most of these cases, the problem is the denial and suppression of natural urges, leading to secretive and inappropriate acting out. But not all urges are as natural as people think they are. Which brings us to Bill Johnson.

Bill Johnson is from Alabama, a state famous for the song "Sweet Home Alabama". And intolerance. Basically Skynyrd and intolerance, which is already a slightly overlapping Venn diagram. Bill Johnson, in fact, wanted to be the governor of Alabama, which means he already has a history of making bad choices. Anyway, he ran as an anti-gay Christian conservative. Think you know what's coming? Here's a hint. It's Bill Johnson. Over and over again. ACTUAL ALLEGATION TIME!

"American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona 'chchbill' to meet women who want help to get pregnant." - The New Zealand Herald.

Oh. Well, that's... altruistic? Maybe? I mean, it's not exactly "earthquake recovery", but what's important is that he's helping the people of Christchurch. With his penis. Far be it from me to criticize another man's decisions on what constitutes being charitable, right?

"Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US."

OK, now it's getting a little weird. I mean, if you're going to spend a year in New Zealand donating sperm to couples, you'd think that'd be something you'd mention to your wife on a Skype call. You know, because obviously what he did was all above board and in accordance with how these types of donations work, right?

"His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families."

Oh. Um. Well, maybe he was ignorant about how these things work in New Zealand. It's a small country, there are concerns about accidental incest. He's from America, where the odds of that kind of thing are much lower. What matters is that he was doing this for the right reasons, and that his heart was pure.

""I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn't have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago. There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own. Every person who is a father and a mother knows why I am doing this. If life's circumstances had dealt me a different hand I wouldn't be doing this. It is not the hand that life has dealt my wife. Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating... That's what did it to me. When I held that grandbaby, that's when it came to me." - Johnson, to the Herald.


It's not the same as eating, you seed-obsessed nutjob. If I'd gone the last 42 years without eating, I'd be DEAD. You weren't starving to death, you were a bit peckish, and nipped off to the other side of the world to cheat on your diet so your wife wouldn't see you. You didn't have a need. You had a want. And you know how I know you had a want, a twisted want reinforced by millennia of religious doctrine and social pressure? Because you treated New Zealand's lesbian and infertile woman community like Pringles. Once you popped, you couldn't stop.

Every single news story about this, by the way, has delicately tiptoed around the technical details surrounding Johnson's sperm donation process. There are a number of ways that whole thing can go down, as it were, and given both the lack of a clinical setting and the success rate (at least three pregnancies so far, FYI) let's just say I have my suspicions.

Yes, if circumstances had dealt you a different hand you wouldn't be doing this, but your wife's hysterectomy has nothing to do with it. Millions of couples can't have kids. Many of them adopt. Some get pets. Some just get the fuck over it. Almost none of them fuck off to New Zealand and start spraying their sperm around, trying to see how many Kiwis they can hit with it like it's a goddamned carnival game.

Even after all this, Johnson wants to be part of these kids' lives. Which takes the creepiness to a whole other level. This is not what it means to be pro-family. This is some delusional, Christian, "go forth and multiply", Duggaresque quiver-full grade A.. fuck it. I started to Google up animals native to New Zealand, but there aren't any good ones, so let's just go with bullshit.