Archive - 2011

December 21st

Newt Decay

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Memo to Newt Gingrich, Newt Gingrich, and Newt Gingrich: HERE'S YOUR SHOT.

It seems to me he lived his campaign like a candle in a fart. Briefly flaring up from increased methane levels, then sputtering out faster than Herman Cain at a NOW convention. Newt's fallen so far, so fast, that some people are suggesting that Ron Paul, the libertarian Balok puppet, could win the Iowa caucuses and finally prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Iowa caucuses are stupid and meaningless.

And thank fuck for Newt's metaphorical rapid deflation, because goddamn, that man is a piece of work. Every time he crawls out from under his rock, he finds new ways to put the "amoral thug" back into "politician". And since Newt's tenure as frontrunner is already over, let's make the most of the time we have left together and give him his tripartite day in the sun. BLOATED, EVIL IDIOTS SAY SOME REALLY FUCKING ASTONISHING THINGS!

"If he will accept it, I will ask John Bolton to be Secretary of State. But I will only appoint him if he will agree that his first job is the complete and thorough transformation fo the State Department and the replacement of the current Foreign Service culture with a new entrepreneurial and aggressive culture dedicated to the proposition that defending freedom and defending America is the first business of the State Department, not appeasing opponents." - Newt Gingrich, outlining his foreign policy.

Newt's foreign policy? FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU, TOO. The job of Secretary of State is to deal with foreign countries. John Bolton hates foreign countries. That's why Dubya picked him to be the United Nations ambassador, as a giant FUCK YOU to the rest of the world, and that's why the Senate never confirmed him, and Bush had to use recess appointments. So Newt wants to appoint John Bolton to have conversations with the one thing Bolton hates more than moustache trimmers. Awesome.

And Newt's right with him on that one. He wants the State Department, America's diplomatic arm, mind you, to have an aggressive culture. He wants it to kick the world's ass, and Bolton has a closet full of boots hand-embroidered with the names of every other country in the world. They're an ideal pair, especially if you enjoy global diplomatic clusterfucks.

"Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works, so they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day. They have no habit of ‘I do this and you give me cash’ unless it’s illegal.” - Gingrich, further "clarifying" his plan to have black kids clean up white kids' poop to teach them their place in the global economy.

We've covered Newt's sweeping, if you'll pardon the expression, changes to janitorial services in the American education system before. And lots of outlets, notably The Daily Show, have covered this specific quote, and how it's a racist dogwhistle so loud Dog The Bounty Hunter, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Patrick's shitty Mulder-replacement agent on The X-Files all heard it.

But it bears repeating, because it's appalling in such a uniquely Gingrichian way. This is old-school 90's Republican cruelty, the kind you used to get before the term "compassionate conservatism" was coined. It's not gussied up in castoff Colonial Williamsburg drag like teabagger cruelty. It's not the clueless meanderings of a Palin, a Bachmann, or a Cain. It's not even Dick Cheney's casual callousness. It's just ugly. Ugly to the core. Tell-your-wife-you-want-a-divorce-while-she's-in-the-hospital ugly. And speaking of ugly...

""It could be through testing before you get any kind of federal aid. Unemployment compensation, food stamps, you name it." - Newt, explaining how drug users should be treated.

Really, Newt? ANY kind of federal aid? I can name it? OK. Bank bailouts. Capital gains tax cuts. Oooh, how about stadium money? If we're going to start making people pee in a cup, let's start with Zygi Wilf. Hey, aren't presidential candidates eligible for matching funds? That's aid. That's federal. Get in line, fuckers.

But, of course, Newt doesn't mean ANY kind of federal aid. He doesn't mean you can name it. He's just using the latest trendy way to pump up the Welfare Queen myth and make the working poor and the lower middle class resent people on the lower rungs instead of the people who really deserve resenting. Are there people on welfare and drugs? Yes. Should we let addicts, or even casual pot smokers, starve to death? Because that's what Newt's advocating. Because that's how Newt rolls. Poor and black? Clean a toilet. Poor and smoke weed? Sorry, you don't get to eat. So what if it would cost more to drug-test everyone than it would save in payouts to people who fail the tests?

This is about punishing the unlucky so that people don't have to look them in the eye on their way to racking up another huge jewelry store bill and feel bad because they know, in their secret buried places, that they didn't get where they are through hard work and talent, just an accident of birth, low cunning, and ruthlessness.

At least with Romney you just have the accident of birth.