Archive - Sep 2011

September 30th

Bet My Bottom's Taller

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Memo to All The Horrible People: YOU ARE HORRIBLE.

You Are Dumb Dot Net is, at its heart, about stupid, horrible people saying and doing stupid, horrible things. Things they say and do on a nearly daily basis. These fuckers rule our lives. They write our laws, they charge us fees, they decide what goes in our textbooks and our air and our consenting orifices. So what better way is there to wrap up a week of clearing out the research pile than a rapid-fire HORRIBLE PERSON ROLL CALL!

Tom Coburn: HORRIBLE RACIST FUCKWAD! And a senator! I mean, yeah, he's from Oklahoma, but did you know that under the convoluted rules and customs of the United States Senate, Oklahoma is considered a real state? I know, I was shocked when I heard it, too.

Anyway, Coburn, as a white Republican from the South, criticized Obama the only way he knows how. Blame the oxymoronically-named Tulsa World for the indirect partial quoting. ACTUAL INDIRECT PARTIAL QUOTE TIME!

"Obama's 'intent is not to destroy, his intent is to create dependency because it worked so well for him,' he said. 'As an African-American male,' Coburn said, Obama received 'tremendous advantage from a lot of these programs.'"

For those of you who had two years, six months, and 29 days in the "Who'd Be the First to Explicitly Call Barack Obama a Welfare Queen" pool, congratulations. You win a fifty dollar gift certificate to the Cracker Barrel.

Peter Kinder: TITTY-LOVING MORALISTIC FUCKWIT. Lieutenant governor of Missouri, who recently, as he puts it, "came to realize that this is not consistent with my upbringing. I'm a Christian. I was raised in a good family, and I thought, you know, continuing to go there is leading me down the wrong path."

"There" is a strip club named "Verlin's", because apparently, in Missouri, being one letter away from "vermin" is not in fact a public relations problem for a titty bar. When did he come to realize this? After he got busted for going to the strip club because of a picture of him with a stripper. The incident does not seem to have adversely affected his political ambitions, because David Vitter hooker diapers. I'm so sick of Vitter I can't even be bothered with the verbs from his scandal anymore.

Michele Bachmann: HORRIBLY STUPID PERSON. Back in mid-August, Batshit said that people think the US is in decline because they see, among other rises, "the rise of the Soviet Union". I don't care if she is losing badly. If we were all samurai, we'd have to cut ourselves open from the national shame of her running in the first place.

Deanna Murray: HORRIBLE PERSON WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN MUSIC. You wouldn't know Murray. She lives at Big Hollywood, where she is a very occasional knobette. Anyway, she made a "playlist" or "mix-tape" of "conservative-empowering songs", which means you need to take a second and go finish vomiting. I understand.

All cleaned up? OK. Anyway, her list has three Lamberts on it. Two Mirandas and one Adam. Yes, the flamboyantly gay one. She seems to think it's some kind of conservative judo to put him on there for a song about winning. But by that logic, she should have me on that list, too. My name's Lambert, I don't agree with Big Hollywood's politics, and, like pretty much her entire track list, I've never recorded any real music.

Tony Perkins: HORRIBLE IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. Perkins is on the front lines in the right-wing Christian battle to get more gay teenagers to kill themselves. That's why he opposes the "It Gets Better" campaign, which exists for the sole purpose of trying to explain to gay teens that once they get out of high school, once they get out from under their bigoted parents' roof, once they get out of Oklahoma, or once they get out of Tony Perkins' gay sex dungeon, their lives will improve. For some reason, Tony Perkins is against that.

And while I'm here, let me just take a second to say fuck all the GOP candidates, fuck all of their books, and fuck all of the things they said in the books that they won't own up to because they know the horrible people they need to vote for them or the stupid "independents" they need to trick into voting for them won't like it. That whole dance running through this year's debates and campaigns needs to die alone in a corner. Everyone knows what's really going on.

And finally, since the Wall Street executive who said this refused to be identified as anything more than a Wall Street executive, all Wall Street executives are horrible fucking people. And if you're a Wall Street executive and you don't like that, then you track this guy down and kick his ass. And then kick the asses of every other executive on his floor, because I bet they feel the same way, or worse.

"It's not healthy for rich people to feel maligned."

That sentence is missing another "for rich people". It may not be healthy for rich people for rich people to feel maligned, but it's sure awesome for the other 99.5% of us. Making rich assholes "feel maligned" is literally the only power we have left over them, and they want to take that away from us by getting the police to mace the restrained protestors who are making them feel bad.

Look, fuckheads. The class wars are over. You won. The least you could do is be gracious when the occasional Nerf dart plinks you in the forehead. Just do what your kind always does when you feel a little maligned. Buy a new boat. And go fuck yourself.

Here's a fun little tidbit for those of you interested in the minutiae of process. This week-long exercise has succeeded in REDUCING my research pile to just under 100 items, stretching back about five weeks. Time to start pushing the boulder back up this hill.