You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Aug 2011
Memo to Gay America: STOP MAKING ALL THESE CONSERVATIVES CRAZY.
Oh, sure, you can say nothing's happened. You can say that years of gay marriage in Massachusetts, all the way down to the months of gay marriage in New York, hasn't hurt any straight people. That they're free to live their straight lives, putting their straight penises into their wives' straight vaginas with no more hindrance than there was prior to gay marriage becoming legal. But you'd be wrong. It's driven some of these fuckers completely bonkers. A phenomenon we will explore in limited detail in today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!
"Why was this allowed to happen? Let’s think about it... first they wanted rights, then they wanted adoption, they wanted special protections, and ultimately they wanted marriage — and we all know that we did precious little. If those three or fourth thousand people, at the direction of the greater Israel and their leaders and their common sense, would have come out, maybe, against the marriage, against this final nail in the coffin of morality…maybe we wouldn’t have had to had this episode of Amalek replay itself. This is a time for introspection…This came in the very aftermath of the marriage bill, my dear friends, and not doing anything. - Rabbi Yehuda Levin, explaining how an eight-year-old boy was murdered in New York City because thousands of people who looked for him when he went missing supported gay marriage.
There's something about crazy-ass fundie rabbis that you just don't get even with your more radical Christian hatemongers. I think the thing is that there are fewer of them to carry the burden of the full-on crazy for their culture. So not only are they carrying around more crazy per rabbi, but when they break from the strain, you can hear the snap over the wailing at the Wailing Wall.
I mean, there's not even the usual fundie divine intervention invoked to make the connection between gay marriage and dead boy. Usually there's an Angry Jesus between tolerance and tragedy as a causal link. Levin, on the other hand, posits a free-flowing societal evil, which was increased so dramatically in New York City by the spectre of gay people visiting their spouses in the hospital that it lodged in a 35-year-old, Jewish, NYC resident and caused him to abduct and murder a child.
And that's a level of vile specificity you rarely get outside of Fred Phelps' family compound.
"I think this whole conversation about reparative therapy is just silly season. I don’t believe in reparative therapy. I don’t think many serious people believe in reparative therapy... If they are really that worried about Michele Bachmann, the best thing they can do is shut up. Because every time they go out and attack Michele Bachmann it makes her more popular among conservatives, not less popular." - Chris Barron, president of GOProud, which has said it would be willing to endorse Batshit Bachmann.
Do you see what you've done to Chris Barron, all you marrying gays? He's gone from supporting a bunch of people, some of whom happen to feel like eradicating him, to supporting someone who actually makes money pretending to be able to eradicate him. And all because you want to get married!
Um, Barron? There's a difference between believing reparative therapy works, and refusing to even believe that it exists, and covering your eyes when a Presidential candidate is caught making money from performing it. Stop calling yourselves GOProud. You're not proud to be gay, and you're not even proud to be Republicans. If you had any pride at all, you'd actually have the balls to take on Bachmann and the anti-gay Republican agenda, instead of enabling it so that maybe, someday, you'll be welcome at CPAC.
And don't give me that shit about how pointing out facts only ennobles Bachmann because conservatives don't listen to facts. You really want to be part of a conservative movement that will follow Michele Bachmann to your door and set your house on fire just because liberals said it was wrong to burn down the homes of gay people? It's your Phelps-picketed funeral.
"While I must admit to mistakes of judgment, I am seeking professional help on what turned me down a road of self-destruction." - Indiana state representative Philip Hinkle, who will not resign as a result of his mistakes in judgment.
And when I say "mistakes in judgment", what I mean is that he answered an ad on Craigslist, answered an ad from an 18-year-old dude looking for a sugar daddy, offered him 80 bucks plus tip* for an evening's... company. By which I mean fucking. The fucking didn't happen, because even though Hinkle showed up to the encounter with his Little Hinkle akimbo, as it were, the young man recognized him. Which is when Hinkle tried to keep him from leaving, pay him off, and pay off his sister who came to pick him up. So, yeah. Mistakes. In judgment.
Now, regarding what turned him down a road to self-destruction? Clearly that was the gay marriage in New York. It made a 64-year-old straight dude in the middle of the heartland want to get gay married MORE THAN ANYTHING. And since Indiana doesn't even have civil unions, Hinkle had to settle for showing his cock to a teenager (who, to be fair, said he was 20) on Craigslist. Next best thing, really.
Now, I'm not sure where Hinkle is intending to seek professional help for his turn down the road to self-destruction, but I hear there's a great clinic in Minnesota that might be able to help. And when he's done, there's an awesome bunch of fellow Republicans he can, er, hang out with.
*By which I know we all hope he meant "gratuity".