Archive - Aug 5, 2011

Our Troubles End Tomorrow

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Memo to America: ARE YOU READY TO RESPONSIFY?!Clearly, America is in a state of crisis. You don't need me to tell you that. You've got cable news. There's the debt crisis, the deficit crisis, the debt ceiling crisis, the completely inexplicable heat wave crisis, the even more inexplicable drought crisis, Crysis, Crysis 2, and if those other crises don't get us first, in a few years, we could be facing Crysis 3.

But more importantly, you don't need me to tell you that, because you've got Rick Motherfucking Perry to tell you that, and tell you how he's going to fix it. Tomorrow. That's right, the crises will be fixed tomorrow. Because tomorrow, Rick Perry will have his Response to the state of crisis.

The Response will, of course, take place in a football stadium, because football's not elitist or intellectual, and intellectuals never solved any problems, other than how to split the atom, how to fit seven thousand music albums on a box the size of a few playing cards, and every other problem ever that couldn't be solved by hitting it with a rock. And in that stadium, which holds seventy thousand people, approximately one eighth that number based on current online reservation numbers will pray their asses off until God fixes everything for us or 5:00 pm, whichever comes first.

This is, of course, completely fucking stupid. But there is an internal reasoning behind it, once you accept just one tiny little incorrect assumption. Think of it as a "leap of faith", if you must. ACTUAL FAULTY ASSUMPTION TIME!

"Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles." - Rick Perry and/or the Response website ghost writer.

Keep in mind that the crises listed in the Response website include "financial debt, terrorism, and a multitude of natural disasters." Why did the housing bubble collapse? We didn't honor God enough in our successes. Every time a bank resold a chunk of a shitty mortgage to another bank and skimmed cash off the top, if they'd just honored God for their success, the giant pile of fake money would have never been taken away by Jesus.

Why did the Twin Towers collapse in 2001? Well, we didn't call on God enough in our struggles. What was the biggest struggle in the years leading up to 9/11? Well, that's obvious. The Y2K bug. Did anyone pray to God to have two extra digits miraculously inserted into thousands of databases? They did not. Instead they went and fixed the databases themselves, leaving God out of their struggles in favor of false idols like C++ and Pascal. I think there were even a few ritual sacrifices of the LOGO turtle. And thus, God sent us terrorism.

And natural disasters! Why do you think sports players thank Jesus for their home touch goal runs? Not because they're particularly devout. They're just making damn sure the next hurricane, earthquake, oil spill, fracking leak, completely inexplicable drought, or plague of locusts hits some other team's town. Preferably a losing team that didn't call on God enough during their struggles.

So a bunch of people are going to sit in a stadium in Texas for seven hours, drinking $5 bottles of water trucked in from states where it still rains to keep from dying in the, I repeat, COMPLETELY INEXPLICABLE heat wave engulfing Texas right now, and they're going to ask Jesus to fix everything by electing Rick Perry as President in 2012.

And don't worry about the separation of church and state. As I've mentioned before in this column, but am mentioning again here because it's SO FUCKING FUNNY, the event is non-denominational. How non-denominational is it? Well, here, because I cannot make this any funnier than it actually is, is the complete section of the The Response FAQ explaining how completely fucking non-denominational (and apolitical) this event is. Ready? You're lying. I've read this, you haven't. I know you're not ready. But you're gonna get it anyway.

The Response is a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting and has adopted the American Family Association statement of faith.

  • We believe the Bible to be the inspired, the only infallible, authoritative Word of God.
  • We believe that there is one God, eternally existent in three persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
  • We believe in the deity of our Lord Jesus Christ, in His virgin birth, in His sinless life, in His miracles, in His vicarious and atoning death through His shed blood, in His bodily resurrection, in His ascension to the right hand of the Father, and in His personal return in power and glory.
  • We believe that for the salvation of lost and sinful people, regeneration by the Holy Spirit is absolutely essential.
  • We believe in the present ministry of the Holy Spirit by whose indwelling the Christian is enabled to live a godly life.
  • We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost; they that are saved unto the resurrection of life and they that are lost unto the resurrection of damnation.
  • We believe in the spiritual unity of believers in our Lord Jesus Christ.

I mean, Jesus Christ, how much more non-denominational can you get? It's completely inclusive! It includes Jews... for Jesus. It includes Buddhists... who are on board with the Trinity. It includes us atheists who don't have a problem with virgin birth, miracles, or vicarious and atoning deaths through shed blood. Really, the doors are open to any lost and sinful people, because they'll just get regenerated by the Holy Spirit. It's kind of like a cross between Doctor Who and a lobotomy, I think.

That's really fucking denominational. I'm not entirely sure the Pope could pass all seven of those litmus tests. And really, you can't call an event whose feces statement is that "America is fucked because we don't pray enough" apolitical. That's innately a political thing. You don't just get to say it's apolitical and nondenominational and expect people to give you a pass despite the mountain of self-submitted evidence to the cont... oh, wait. I'm sorry. This is America, circa 2011. That's a perfectly legitimate Get Out Of Hippie Heathen Concerns Free card to play in this day and age.

Let me just quickly get back to that whole heat wave / drought / prayer event in a retractable-roof stadium in the middle of motherfucking Texas in the beginning of motherfucking August. You know how hot Jesus Christ has chosen to make it in Houston tomorrow for the Response? One hundred fucking degrees. You know what the geniuses behind the Response have to say about food and drink?

"The Response is encouraging people to fast during the event, however if you do need food or drink there will be limited food vendors and water for sale. The stadium does not allow outside food or drink to be brought in. Bring a Bible and a notebook."

ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO FAST. And not just from food, but from water, if I'm parsing their "however" correctly. I hope everyone attending The Response tomorrow takes that advice seriously, because nothing would make Rick Perry's presidential run more palatable to me than having him be responsible for the single largest heat stroke massacre in American history. It'd be the exact opposite of Jonestown. Well, in terms of fluid intake, at least. Theologically they're pretty much identical.