Archive - Aug 2, 2011

Dirty Stuff

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Memo to some Strib commenters: YOU ARE DUMB.

What, you want me to talk about the debt ceiling deal? That's so yesterday. That was so yesterday on Twitter. Or, really, you could go back and read my columns after the Bush tax cuts deal. Or the health care deal. Or so on, or so forth. You fight for your ideas so that even if you lose, your ideas get out there. If you don't fight for your ideas, then you get dragged along by the other guy's ideas. And the shit sandwich has less bread and more shit each time you try to serve it to us.

Now that I've lost your attention, SEX!

With our unhealthy attitudes toward Keynsian economics, it's sometimes difficult to remember that this country was founded on the principle of an unhealthy attitude toward sex. We are a nation of repressed puritans for whom an exploding skull is an R and an erect penis is an NC-17. We've made occasional progress, but there still remains a significant portion of the population that would love it if porn, contraception, premarital sex, and anything other than private hetero-normative marital relations were removed from society's fuckin' buffet.

Which is why, when I saw in the Star Tribune that porn, plastic penis, and pocket pussy purveyor Adam and Eve had donated to the University of Minnesota's new Joycelyn Elders Chair in Sexual Health Education, that the comments section to said article would be an excellent distraction from Obama's exciting new way to redefine the center. Porn pushes prudes' buttons (in more ways than one), and Joycelyn Elders pushes right-wing Clinton-hating buttons. Which button would be pushed first? The simplest one, of course.

"The White House fired her after she told the United Nations that promoting masturbation might be a good way to stem the spread of sexually transmitted diseases... She also advocated that masturbation be taught in classes (like kids can't figure it out on their own....What a complete embarrassment this woman was. I wonder how whe got throughed School." - "roadtoruin", emphasis mine.

Lots of kids figure out masturbation on their own. Some kids don't. And lots of kids figure it out, but thanks to societal bullshit and lack of education, think it's wrong or shameful and end up with deep-seated emotional problems, leading to a life spent commenting on local newspaper articles about sex. And then making wildly ironic and unintentional criticisms of other people's education.

"Lets see: State Government funded by pull tabs, lottery tickets, racing, now porn producers. We can do better. We can man-up like our parents and grandparents did and pay our way with legitimate work. We are a community and we need to work for the better good of us all." - jrswan, who might be coming from the left, for all I know. I mean, on the one hand, they seem to be in favor of regular taxes instead of the Wages Of Sin, but on the other hand, they think that selling dildos online isn't "legitimate work". Who knows, with enough demand, we could bring dildo manufacturing jobs back to the USA. It'd be like the glory days - the world getting fucked by America.

"What the hell do you need sexual education for? If you can't figure it out on your own, you're pretty stupid anyway, so how is education going to help." - alanjason

Yeah! Alan Jason figured it out on his own! He didn't need anyone to explain to him concepts like "condoms", "the female orgasm", "don't have sex with your relatives", and "don't have sex with animals". That's just pesky government intrusion into his freedom to stick his dick into things for 30 seconds until he forgets, for about seven seconds, how utterly and completely miserable he is. And then it's time for a nap and a spin of the Speak And Spell to decide his next species.

"Aristotle said the unexamined life was not worth living. A public institution just takes money from any source, just as the government uses its power to tax from every race color and creed. It is like the difference between a public rest room and mine at home. The smell of mine at home is so much better. And so much better than even those places with pay toilets where with public funding admission can be refused unless you had a quarter." - baseball91

Tell me something. If the unexamined life is truly not worth living, then surely you must have an idea why you spend so much time pondering the way public restrooms smell? Apparently, the unexamined analogy is still worth posting on the Internet.

"Porn is symptom of sexual sickness. This is an attempt to claim legitimacy. Accepting the gift from Adam & Eve is a contradiction." - Hoek. Presumably not Ren Hoek, because then porn would be a sign of SPACE MADNESS.

Finally, some good old-fashioned Puritan anti-porn ravings. I swear, the political polarization of this country is ruining everything we once held dear. But Hoek holds to the old ways. He doesn't have to blame Obama, or Clinton, or taxes, or Democrats. No, he just hates porn because it has naked titties in it. May your god or gods bless you, Hoek, and also bless the eight gallons of backed up semen being stored, I can only assume, in an auxiliary prostate somewhere underneath your spleen. Please continue to vent your spleen, AND NOTHING ELSE, on the Star Tribune comments pages.

"It makes you wonder if the economy was in good health, would the U be taking money from this business?" - timcarrera

It doesn't make -me- wonder, but then, I'm not an idiot. First, it's a sex-positive company donating to a sex-positive education effort, so "this business" seems totally appropriate. And second, it's a college. I don't care how the economy is, colleges will take your money if it doesn't come with unreasonable demands. And the college gets to define "unreasonable". So yes, they would take the money. Mainly because, well, it's money.

"Back in the day, porn was then known as: Blue Movies." - V313, who is either doing an uncanny Abe Simpson impression in order to get laughs in the Strib comments page, or is actually Abe Simpson. I'm not sure which one scares me more, since trolling through the Strib comments section looking to make jokes is the sign of pure, unbridled desperation.

Oh, also, one guy also compared the U not taking money to Big Pharma to taking money from "smut peddlers", but let's face it, when forced to choose between two industries, I'll pick the one that doesn't let you die if you don't come up with $2,000 a month for a patented medication every time. Compared to that, what's a little unhealthy decades-long obsession with shaved pubes?