Archive - Aug 18, 2011

Corn Dog Afficionado

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Memo to Marcus Bachmann: I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

Your wife may be willing to dodge questions about your ex-gay clinics while deep-throating corn dogs. The media may be willing to let her, and focus instead on the exciting new Fed-lynching crazy coming out of Texas. But I still give a damn about the ex-gay therapy and the anti-gay, possibly self-hating rhetoric coming out of Marcus Bachmann's mouth. And while Michele may think that questions are off-limits, we don't need to ask questions here at You Are Dumb. We have eyes.

And one thing my eyes see? Classing right-wing whitewashing of history that happens to be on tape. Specifically, the tape recording of Marcus Bachmann comparing gay people to "barbarians" on a Christian talk show. For reference, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We have to understand: Barbarians need to be educated. They need to be disciplined. Just because someone feels it or thinks it doesn't mean that we are supposed to go down that road. We have a responsibility as parents and as authority figures not to encourage such thoughts and feelings from moving into the action steps… And let’s face it: what is our culture, what is our public education system doing today? They are giving full, wide-open doors to children, not only giving encouragement to think it but to encourage action steps. That’s why when we understand what truly is the percentage of homosexuals in this country, it is small. But by these open doors, I can see and we are experiencing, that it is starting to increase."

You're gonna love the official Bachmann spin that claims he loves gay people with all his penis. I mean heart. Ready? First, the audio recording was doctored. Somehow. Now, that's easy enough to prove. I mean, he appeared on a radio show, last year. I'm sure they have the original recording, right? Just put that out, and we'll settle this once and for all. What's that? The two hour tape is no longer in the show's archives, according to host Penna Dexter? Well, that's fucking convenient, isn't it?

So the next question is, if the tape was somehow doctored, who, exactly was he calling barbarians? Marcus? And try not to talk with your mouth full.

"I was talking in reference to children. Nothing, nothing to do with homosexuality. That's not my mindset. That's not my belief system. That's not the way I would talk."

Ah, OK. He called CHILDREN barbarians. That's much better. But "nothing to do with homosexuality"? "Not his belief system?" There's a reason I went beyond the "barbarian" quote to the part where he said the schools are turning children gay by putting pro-gay ideas in their heads and encouraging to take "action steps" toward being totally gay.

So even if we believe Bachmann that he was talking about child barbarians, not gay barbarians, it was still all about homosexuality. In the new, improved version, children are barbarians that need to be educated, and if we don't teach them not to be gay, they'll "go down that road" and do things they think and feel, even though those things they think and feel are wrong. And gay.


Also, children are barbarians? That's one of those things that makes sense for me to say, because pretty much every time I see children, they're running, screaming, and breaking shit, which are three of the major elements on a barbarian's resume. But I'm not a pro-family, pro-life Jesus-freak. I'm a cynical, childless atheist. I say they're barbarians. You say they're innocent little angels. Stay on your side of the debate. Christian host lady? You want to take this one?

"It was an endearing term, in a way, that made sense to me and to our audience. We believe that children are born with a nature that inclines them to challenge and break rules, and that it is thus the parents' responsibility to guide their children along good and productive paths." - Dexter, in an e-mail to the press.

As always, keep in mind the context The part where schools, by not teaching kids not to be gay, are turning kids gay. So let's back that up through Dexter's quote. First, being gay is neither a good nor productive path. That's consistent with all of Bachmann's other anti-gay rhetoric. Parents have to teach their kids not to be gay. I remember that one. I believe it was James Dobson who recommended dads do this by showing their prepubescent sons their manly penis in the shower, so that the kid will realize he is also a manly man with a manly penis.

Children like to challenge and break rules. So being heterosexual is a "rule", and being gay is a childish challenge and breaking of that rule, and is therefore a choice. But wait! The children are BORN WITH A NATURE that makes them want to break rules. So children are born wanting to choose to be gay. Clearly, Marcus Bachmann has found a loophole that lets him have it both ways.

By the way, Bachmann is now also claiming that he doesn't do ex-gay therapy. Remember, this is after a gay dude went to Bachmann's clinic, spent eight days talking about ex-gay therapy, was told it was totally possible, was given some helpful tips by a therapist about how to stop being gay, and was given literature about how to stop being gay. What's the new spin?

"That’s absolutely not true. I do not use reparative therapy. None of our clinic therapists do. What we do is we counsel, we talk to them about whatever what they want to talk about."

See? He doesn't do ex-gay therapy. He does therapy. If the patient ends up wanting to talk about not being gay anymore, of course they'll talk to them about it. And encourage them toward it. And give them books about it. That's just the responsible thing any therapist does - encourage and help their patients toward whatever the patients want, even if what they want is dangerous and harmful.

Yep, I guess there's nothing to this story after all. Let's all move along to normalizing the lynching of Ben Bernanke! What's the over/under on the date and time Rick Perry falls back on the "inartful" dodge again?