Archive - Aug 17, 2011

Right Out Of The Gate

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Memo to Rick Perry: THAT WAS FAST.

Congratulations, Rick. I think you've set a record. I can't remember anyone making enough stupid statements, covering as wide a variety of topics, in so short a timespan. Not only can you fill today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS just with shit Rick Perry has said since he announced his candidacy over the weekend, I actually have to sort through them and pick the best three. For example, his call for a moratorium on all federal regulations isn't even going to make the cut. That's how fucking stupid Rick Perry is.

He's so stupid, he's gonna need a dehumanizing, derisive nickname. But Santorum's already got "Silent P", the obvious rhymes for his last name don't fit and smack of playground homophobia, and while the media have taken to calling him Dubya On Steroids, that just makes me think of Dick Cheney shooting HGH into Bush's bacne-studded ass, and nobody needs to imagine that. Again. So I'll open the floor. Send your suggestions to me on Twitter, @youaredumb, and whichever one I like best will get used from then on when I need to make fun of Rick Perry. And believe me, that's gonna happen a lot.

"I think you want a president who is passionate about America -- that’s in love with America." - Perry, rolling out the He's Not One Of Us dogwhistle seconds out of the opening gate.

You here that, America? Rick Perry's in love with you. He's been pining after you for years. Did you get that Toby Keith mixtape he sent? Did you listen to it? Does he have to stand outside your window, playing it on a boombox in the rain? He's PASSIONATE about you. Hell, let's just come right out and say it. America, Rick Perry is horny for you. He yearns for you with a lust that dares not speak its name. And if you'll have him? If you gently pull his lever in November? Rick Perry promises he will stick it right in America's poohole, because he knows America likes it like that.

All fun, games, and America's Poohole (which, by the way, is still Dayton, TN) aside, I'm pretty sure this is the first Kenyan Socialist Secret Muslim dogwhistle that also throws a little gaybait in the mix by implying Obama is incapable of being "passionate" about Lady Liberty. But Rick Perry? He wants to dip his BALLS IN IT.

"One of the reasons that I’m running for president is I want to make sure that every young man and woman who puts on the uniform of the United States respects highly the president of the United States... If you polled the military, the active duty and veterans, and said ‘would you rather have a president of the United States that never served a day in the military or someone who is a veteran?’ They’ve going to say, I would venture, that they would like to have a veteran. - Perry, first saying that the troops hate that pussy Obama, and then saying that all he meant is that the troops hate that pussy Obama because he's not a veteran like Rick Perry.

I think we all fondly remember 2004, and Rick Perry's famous support for Purple Heart recipient and Vietnam War veteran John Kerry over that occasional visitor to the Texas Air National Guard currently occupying the Oval Office, because, after all, we were in the middle of two wars, and everyone knows the troops only respect a Commander In Chief who served.

I guess Perry, who spent the Vietnam War in college, then joined the air force and flew planes as far away on the globe from Vietnam as he could manage, occupies that special middle ground between Bush, a privileged dilettante with a cushy stateside post and, Kerry, who was, let's face it, a Democrat. Only he can earn that slightly-inconveniently-fought respect that Republicans pretend troops need to have every time it's convenient.

"If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treasonous in my opinion." - Serious Presidential Candidate Rick Perry, on Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.

Seriously, do you know what I had to give up to get this down to three? Not just the ban on regulations thing, which I hope is just fodder for the stupid masses that don't realize that the existing regulations are what keep their chances of dying from a hamburger below forty percent these day. I had to give up his "get the federal government out of education" thing, his "fracking is great for groundwater" thing, and his "use Predator drones to shoot illegal immigrants" thing.

And you know why I had to give those things up? Because Rick Perry, governor of Texas, one-time Democrat, one-time secessionist, and one of the three people most likely to garner the Republican nomination for Motherfucking President of the Motherfucking United States in 20Motherfucking12, suggested that Texas would lynch Ben Bernanke if, as president of the Federal Reserve, he decided to print more money.

The Federal Reserve's whole job is to print money. At least in the way Rick Perry meant it, I assume he didn't mean the actual printing of actual bills, which is the Mint's job. But actually determining how many dollars there are? That's the Fed's job. And while you can say a lot of things about how well the Federal Reserve, and Ben Bernanke in particular, actually perform that duty, the very act of performing it is not "almost treasonous", nor is it worthy of a Texas-style "ugly-treating".

And let's not mince words. In Texas, when they treat you ugly, they hang you from a tree, or tie you to their pickup truck and drag you through the dirt, or just kick the shit out of you with cowboy boots. Usually because you're not white enough. I'm with Perry in that Texas has a history of treating people pretty ugly. I just don't think it's a source of pride. Or a source of inspiration for how a future President Perry would treat the head of an independent agency.

There have been quite a few stories, early this week, about how the Republican Establishment is "pushing back" against Rick Perry. But all that really amounts to is the Wall Street Journal being iffy on him, Russ Fucking Douthat being Russ Fucking Douthat about him, and Karl Rove saying Perry shouldn't distance himself from Bush.

That's not pushback. Well, that's not Republican pushback. That's so half-assed it borders on Democratic pushback. Two things are up in the air right now. Whether the "Republican Establishment" - a mythical bunch of sane elder Republicans who still control the party and make sure it doesn't get crazy enough to fuck up the Dow Jones - can stop Rick Perry if they want to? And whether or not they want to.

And I don't know about the rest of you, but after reading seven, count them, SEVEN completely bugfuck policy statements and political attacks from Rick Perry in four days, I'm not comfortable relying on the Republican Establishment to police their own.