Archive - Aug 2011
31 August, 2011 - 20:38 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Sears, Michele Bachmann, and Sean Duffy: YOU ARE DUMB.
There are questions that, for very good reasons, we as a society have never asked ourselves. Questions that, were we to be forced, by various factors, to finally ask, they would make us question whether the very fabric of society was shredding before our eyes. Three such questions will end up being asked in this week's shredderific IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THING!
"Join the stylish Kardashian klan on September 6th at the private studio of the legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz for an exclusive preview of their fabulous new fashion Kollection for Sears." - Unfortunate press release from Sears.
So. Which Klan is worse?
You may be aware that I play video games sometimes. And I'd like to point out, as an avid game player, that Mortal Kombat has been replacing C's with K's for promotional purposes for nearly two decades now. Also, the series has, in its storied history and rich fictional universe, included several clans. Yet, despite the game having a deserved reputation of, shall we say, lower-than-average intellectual rigor, they have not once replaced the C in "Clan" with a K. For obvious reasons.
Yet the Kardashians, and Sears? Right out of the fucking gate. I have to say, I'm not one to join demonstrations, but if the Kardashian Klan does end up marching through Skankie, IL, you can bet I'll make the drive down to join the counter-protests. These monsters must be stopped.
"Of course I was being humorous when I said that. It would be absurd to think it was anything else. I am a person who loves humor, I have a great sense of humor." - Michele Bachmann, according to Reuters, explaining why she said the earthquakes and hurricane were a message to Washington to rein in spending.
So. Does Michele Bachmann love humor?
If it weren't such a horrifying question to contemplate, I'd resurrect my old Comedy Court routine for this. But let me just issue a summary judgment. No, Michele Bachmann does not have a great sense of humor. If she could truly appreciate a joke, she'd become self-aware and probably step in front of a bus.
Is what she said a joke? Well... sort of, in that I don't think she meant it strictly literally in terms of cause and effect. Partly because of the way she phrased it, but mostly because I'm convinced she's too stupid to understand cause and effect.
But it's not a joke in that it's a deliberate attempt to reinforce the conservative and Dominionist narrative that God and Jesus are on the side of Republicans and Teabaggers, and not the godless atheist Muslim socialist Democrat Satan-worshipers. God may not "really" believe in shaking the ground and flooding the streets to send His message of limited government, but he sure does have a message of limited government to send!
And everyone flips out over the really outrageous thing, and the less outrageous thing, while still outrageous, gets mainstreamed. Which is why Eric Cantor can go on the teevee, tell everyone that the only way we can pay for hurricane relief is to cut government spending on first responders, and not be tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail.
"Having walked in this parade in past years, Congressman Duffy was hoping that for a moment, we could set our differences aside and simply have some fun in a family-friendly event." - Spokesman for Wisconsin representative Sean Duffy, on the decision to not let anti-labor Wisconsin lawmakers march in this year's Labor Day parade.
So. Can we declare that The War On Labor Day has begun?
I mean, seriously. The War On Christmas is all about removing the true meaning of Christmas from the festive holiday season in order to accommodate people who don't believe in Christ, but still might be celebrating holidays around the same time.
In Wisconsin, Sean Duffy is sad that the true meaning of Labor Day isn't being set aside in order to accommodate people who don't actually believe in the rights of workers, but still might like walking down the street waving to people around the same time. If that's not a War On Labor Day, I don't know what is. Well, I'll tell you this. If I'm out shopping this weekend, and some minimum-wage part-time store clerk with no health benefits wishes me Happy Exploitation instead of Merry Labor Day, there's going to be hell to pay. Well, a little hell. I mean, you can't beat those prices.