Archive - Jul 2011

July 27th

Tasty Quote Cheese

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Memo to Jeff Lukens, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney: YOU ARE DUMB.

When it comes right down to it, what are "current" events? What does "topical" mean? If a quote languishes at the bottom of a ranter's RSS feed for a month, then suddenly becomes relevant again thanks to recent developments, can you cut the moldy bits off and still have a good piece of quote.. cheese... underneath? How strained can a metaphor be before you abort and just remind the audience that IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS?

""We want to impart to our children what our nation is about, and what they may or may not be told. I do know [public schools] have a lot of political correctness. We are a faithful people, and when you talk about natural law, you have to talk about God. When you take that out of the discussion, you miss the whole thing." - Jeff Lukens, explaining why the Tampa 912 Project held a four-day Tampa Liberty School event for young Floridians earlier this month.

Just wanted to get this in here, since political retreats for young people are so much on people's minds lately. The Tampa Liberty School, or "tea party summer camp", doesn't just teach kids that their principal hates Jesus. It also teaches them that the gold standard is awesome by giving them candy, teach them that the Native Americans needed to be displaced and exterminated because Europe was boring and America was an awesome party, and teach them that individuals can be more destructive when they all act individually by letting them pop bubbles in a "socialistic" manner and then an "individualistic" manner.

Normally, this is the point at which I tell you which bits are exaggerations for the sake of comedy, but since all of those are I-shit-you-not real, I'm afraid no exaggeration was possible. The best I can do is describe them using longer words than the teabaggers can pronounce.

The left, by the way, has known about this fucking travesty of redneck Randian indoctrination for months, but we just mocked it. We didn't shoot anybody. Just sayin'.

"I believe that for the interest of children, for the interest of society, and the stability of men and women and families, marriage should be what it is, which is the union of one man and one woman." - Rick Santorum, on CNN.

Again, we revisit an older quote in the context of recent events. Gays started marrying in New York this week, you see, so according to Rick Santorum, they only have, at a minimum, seven years and two months before their children start suffering, their society starts suffering, and their men, women, and families start becoming unstable. Hide your kids, hide your wives.

I know they have at least that much time to prepare, because that's how long marriage hasn't been just the union of one man and one woman in Massachusetts since May, 2004, and last time I checked, their children, society, men, women, and families remain unharmed and intact. I'm not sure how long gay marriage has to not destroy America before Rick Santorum will realize he's a fucking idiot, but I'm guessing he'll just wait until the debt ceiling default, global warming, peak oil, or rampant kleptocracy destroy America first and then blame gay people for it. They're still blaming gay people for destroying Greece and Rome, after all.

"The recession is deeper because of our president; it's seen an anemic recovery because of our president." - Mitt Romney, attempting to clear up the confusion over whether Obama has made the economy worse or not, despite the existence of hard data in easy to prove chart form that clearly shows he hasn't.

Just wanted to remind you all as we head toward the Iowa straw poll that Mitt Romney is allegedly the sane one. The normal one. The moderate that the Republicans will anoint because he's sane and serious and moderate and not stupid or crazy like Bachmann or Cain or Gingrich or Santorum.

And Mitt Romney doesn't seem to understand that in even the most anemic of recoveries, the recession doesn't actually get any deeper. When confronted with hard data that shows the thing he said wasn't true, Mitt Romney decided to simply state outright that the thing he said was true AND the thing the hard data said was true, even though those two things directly contradicted each other.

For you Infocom nerds, this is the rough equivalent of having tea and no tea at the same time. So it's a good strategy, because clearly nobody's gonna win the GOP nomination without having Tea and no Tea at the same time.