Archive - Jul 29, 2011

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Memo to the Carolinas: Y'ALL ARE JUST RIFE WITH JESUS, AIN'T YA?

I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there are two entirely new things to add to the list of inexplicable things the Lord Some Other People's God has chosen to emboss and/or imbue with the image of His Only Nonexistent Son. The bad news is, neither of these things are John Boehner's chicken salad sandwich, so the debt ceiling drama will continue to play itself out.

No, it appears that Jehovah has been lavishing his attention on the Carolinas, North and South. Oh, sure, the skeptics among you might assume that the excessive religion and deep flaws in the educational system of those states might make it more likely for people to hallucinate Christ, but that would be mean. Clearly, the Carolinas are blessed far above and beyond the other 96% of the United States, and that is why Jesus has anointed their weeds and scraps of paper.

Yes, I said weeds. And not just any weed, but the official weed of the South. Kudzu. The killer vine. The green destroyer. Kudzu grows incessantly. It will grow on anything. Rocks, fences, houses, trees... even utility poles.

Funny thing about utility poles. They go straight up. True vertical. And then, a little ways from the top, wires come out from both sides. So let's just say that kudzu grows all the way up a telephone pole. It can do that. It's kudzu. But since it's kudzu, it's not gonna stop there. It's going to start growing outward, along the wires. And if it's gotten a certain way along those wires, and you drive past it, and you're some chaw-addled dipwad like Kent Hardison, well... ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I glanced at it, and it looks like Jesus. I thought, 'You can't spray Jesus with Roundup.'"

- Hardison, who spotted the Jesus vine on his way to Ma's Hotdog House, in a detail I could not have possibly made up.

Of course you can't spray Kudzu Jesus with Roundup. Jesus "lived" in the days before Monsanto. He doesn't have the Roundup-resistant genes! He'd wither, die, then sprout up from behind a rock three days later.

So why would Jesus show up in a weed? Well, Michelle Davis has a theory. Well, a hypothesis. Well, sixteen words strung together with gossamer, spit, and not a whit of thought. "Maybe it's a sign of the times. There's been a lot going on in this area."

Is that was makes Jesus show himself? A lot of stuff going on in an area? Then why wasn't he all over Comic-Con? Maybe he was, and everyone thought he was just an Obi-Wan cosplayer. But more importantly, this is Kinston, North Carolina. Not "Kingston", the Town of Kings, but "Kinston", the village where everyone is related to each other. You have to drive an hour just to reach the raw, unmitigated excitement that is Jacksonville. There is not in fact, a lot going on in that area, which is why everyone has the time to stand around staring up at an invasive Japanese vine climbing a fucking UTILITY POLE. And wondering what it means.

But take heart, Kinston! At least you're staring, slack-jawed and drooling, at a dozen or so feet of vine. In Anderson, South Carolina, they're staring down, slack-jawed and drooling, at a Wal-Mart receipt.

YES, I SAID WAL-MART RECEIPT. Which they left on the counter for a few days, until the thermal paper browned. And the browning looked like Jesus. Now, to give South Carolina credit, the Wal-Mart receipt looks more like Jesus than the vine does. The vine just looks like a lumpy cross. But to stop giving South Carolina credit from now on, it actually looks more like Zach Galifinakis than Jesus.

So maybe it is a sign. Maybe it's a sign that The Hangover Part II isn't gonna come out on VHS, so the couple who "discovered" the receipt, Jacob Simmons and Gentry Lee "The Girl" Sutherland, should go back to the Wal-Mart, buy a DVD player already, leave the receipt on the table, and see if that magically transmogrifies into an instruction manual for it. Or it could mean something else. What do I know?

"We just feel like it's a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else." - Sutherland.

Trust me, Gentry Lee. No kind and loving God wants you to share your filthy old Wal-Mart receipt with anyone else. A just God would want you to throw it out, go on with your lives, and not go running to the local news for 15 minutes of fame and a gold star on your get-into-Heaven report card. And that goes for you, and the vine people, and the toast people, and the bathroom window people, and the hobo-pee-in-the-underpass people, and whatever the next fucking thing is.

Millions of years of evolution gave you brains capable of pattern recognition, and this is what you use it for while denying that millions of years of evolution let you do it. Fuck off.