You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jul 28, 2011
Memo to Eric Bolling: I APOLOGIZE FOR MY NEGLECT.
How is it I haven't properly made fun of Eric Bolling yet? I mean, first of all, his name's "Bolling", which phonetically speaking is a synonym for fucking, and we all know that never stops being funny. And second, even by Fox standards, he's a USDA Grade D moron, with commentary only suitable for making into very cheap dog food and off-brand chicken nuggets.
I think the reason he's flown beneath my radar is that he spent years toiling away on the Fox Business Channel, which has a very limited audience. Proper business people don't actually need a 24-hour-a-day economic propaganda channel, so they don't watch it. Neither does anyone to the left of Susan Collins. The only people, therefore, interested in watching FBC must be the lower middle class Republicans. Well-off enough to have cable, deluded enough to want to hear about the financial world they'll never be a part of, and dumb enough to take it as gospel and vote accordingly.
But now Bolling is on Fox, spending time as a substitute Friend on Fox And Friends, and as one of The Five, in which Bolling joins up with Greg "The Wacky Misogynist" Gutfeld, Juan "NPR Martyr" Williams, Dana "Dumb Enough To Be Dubya's Ventriloquist Puppet" Perino, and Andrew Napolitano, for whom I don't have a joke but is also not very bright. Together, they form Voltard, a giant robot capable of getting nearly two-thirds the ratings Glenn Beck got in the same time slot. And no, none of them form the head.
Anyway, as a Fox talk show host, Bolling's job is to be a provocateur, which is to say, deliberately say shit so stupid that liberals will point and say "look at how stupid he is", without getting him into actual trouble. But that's a tricky balance to strike, as Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and so many others have discovered before him. Which is why it was so funny that he uttered the one right-wing talking point lie that still gets conservatives in trouble - that there were no terrorist attacks on American soil during the Bush presidency.
It's a common mistake, caused by the right spending a few years pretending 9/11 was Clinton's fault, and then many more years of non-stop erections over the War On Terror. But of course, 9/11 happened during Bush's presidency, and if you forget about 9/11, you get accused of forgetting about 9/11. And if you're a conservative accused of forgetting about 9/11, you must combine tears and outrage as if the Towers fell yesterday, and not nearly a decade ago. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"I happened to be standing there watching in true terror as radical Islamists slammed planes into the towers that morning. I remember the towers collapsing, killing 3,000, including 16 of my closest friends, and I really remember trying to comfort the kids of my friends at their memorial services. I'll never forget 9/11, but thank you liberals for reminding me how petty you can be."
See! He watched the radical Islamists do it. Well, he watched it happen, then learned later on radical Muslims did it, then learned that he was supposed to call them "Islamists" if he wanted to be a good right-wing host, but I understand him wanting to simplify the details in his rush to climb on his own personal cross.
You know, like how 9/11 killed 16 of his closest friends! Who the hell has more than 16 "closest" friends? I mean, yeah, it's a relative term. And yeah, maybe he meant geographically. But it sounds to me like Bolling went with a heartstring-pulling adjective there that has a tough time actually matching reality, unless his 16 closest friends were setting up a surprise birthday for him in one of the towers, and if that were the case, I'm sure he'd have mentioned it just to make sure his voice cracked with emotion at the suitable time.
And all so he could call liberals "petty" for pointing out that he was wrong. Did he forget 9/11? Of course he didn't. What he did do was either intentionally spew or accidentally regurgitate an internalized right-wing phrasing designed to further the Dubya Mythos by pretending 9/11 didn't catch the little pigfucker flat-footed listening to elementary school kids read about goats. You don't want to catch shit? Don't be wrong on national TV.
You know, wrong like when you said the California gay history bill would force schoolteachers to tell children that "George Washington was gay." Which is complete bullshit. They wouldn't tell kids that because George Washington wasn't gay. You're thinking of Abraham Lincoln.
But I tell you what. Since it's such a concern to you, we'll make a deal. I'll ensure that nobody on the left will teach children that George Washington was gay. In return, you ensure that nobody on the right teaches children that Thomas Jefferson was an Evangelical Christian. It's not a fair deal. It's not a balanced deal. I've taken the much easier task, AND I'm smarter than you. But it is at least an honest deal. I mention that outright because, well, you wouldn't be able to recognize honesty if left to your own devices, would you?