Archive - Jul 13, 2011

Chocolate, Fake Tits, And Castro

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Memo to Rick Santorum, Adam Sandler, and Tom Hackbarth: YOU ARE DUMB.

First, a quick update on yesterday's column. There's been a bit of questioning of Bachmann on the whole ex-gay therapy thing. Not a lot, but a little. So far she's getting away with not commenting and just saying that she and her husband are proud of the jobs they've created... you know, in the exciting field of mental torture. Also, the Republicans seem to have found a way to cave, claim moral victory, and blame Obama for raising the debt ceiling all at the same time, so it looks like global warming is back in front of global economic collapse in the doomsday marathon. This is all good, because it means I can dig through my incredible backlog of old quotes for IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS guilt-free!

"I remind people that Milton Hershey, the person who started the Hershey chocolate company, went bankrupt four times. Now imagine if back in the late 1800′s you’d had a program of 99 weeks of unemployment benefits. Would there ever have been a Hershey chocolate company? And probably the answer is no! So we’re not doing favors by creating too big of a safety net, nor are we doing any favors by hammering businesses who are successful." - Rick Santorum, attempting to form a coherent argument for letting people lose their homes and starve to death.

You know, even though we all know he doesn't stand a chance in hell, I'd like to remind you that Rick Santorum is still being taken relatively seriously as a presidential candidate. And here we have him posing a hypothetical situation, answering his own hypothetical, finding himself UNABLE to answer his own hypothetical definitively ("Probably not!"), and using all this shitty reasoning to argue that if we stop giving money to unemployed people, eventually, we'll all get to eat cheap chocolate.

You'd think, of all the candidates, Rick Santorum would be the one most wary of making any "chocolate" analogies, but I guess he didn't think that far ahead. Keep not thinking, Rick. That's what makes you so goddamned entertaining.

"You have a twin sister?" - virtually every character in the trailer to "Jack and Jill".

OK, Hollywood. We get it. Transformers 3 topped the box office two weeks in a row, presumably drawing in many of the people who saw Transformers 2. We are, as a society, incapable of learning from our mistakes. We understand that now. We feel bad about it. Well, OK, we don't all feel bad about it, but I feel bad enough about it to make up for the millions who don't.

My point is, you don't have to rub my face in it by making and releasing a movie where Adam Sandler, thanks to the magic of fake boobs and CGI, can play his own homely, irritating pest of a sister. Just the TRAILER reveals every cinematic comedy horror from the past decade. Lessons we should have learned from Mrs. Doubtfire and Big Momma's House and The Klumps. The only thing missing is a talking animal, and they may be saving that for the closing credits surprise.

I swear, I think Adam Sandler made this movie just as a favor to Kevin James, to keep "Zookeeper" from winning any Razzies.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing from folks? All, similar letters to yours. Are you a Union member? If so, are they the communist giving you this propaganda? Do you know the who, what, when, where, why, and how, of Fidel Castro? Hitler rose to power using and blaming the jews for the destruction of the German economy. Castro built his army of murderers by blaming the rich bankers and capitalist for destroying Cuba and taking advantage of the Cuban people. Hummmm? - Minnesota state representative Tom Hackbarth, responding to a constituent's letter supporting Governor Mark Dayton.

You may remember Tom Hackbarth as the paragon of good judgment who got caught stalking an Internet date with a gun in a Planned Parenthood parking lot a while back. Yet this creep and apparent halfwit is part of the voting bloc responsible for two weeks of Minnesota government shutdown.

I mean, the grammar and sentence structure alone would get him held back a year in high school. Then there's the ridiculous ideologic. Yes, by supporting a slight increase in the income tax rate of people making over a quarter million dollars a year, you're being duped by communist union propaganda into hating the rich so that some Hitleresque or Castrovian dictator can rise to power in the United States of America! Thank goodness a minor state official with poor impulse control was on the other end of the Internet line to straighten that person out.