Archive - Jul 1, 2011

I'm Only One Man

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Memo to Robert Watson, the Waldorf-Astoria, Newt Gingrich, and Ruben Diaz: YOU ARE RELATIVELY LUCKY.

One man. Five columns a week. Some weeks, four. Sometimes I skip holidays. Sometimes I move. The point is, I have limited resources to deal with an unlimited amount of stupidity. Which means some people get off easy. Too easy. Easier than they deserve. These people are the subject of this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Robert Watson got off easy. And still may. The Rhode Island state legislator once described the job performance of the Rhode Island legislature in less than flattering, very specific terms:

"I suppose if you’re a gay man from Guatemala who gambles and smokes pot, you probably think that we’re onto some good ideas here."

Hah, liberals! They love the dope and the immigrants and the homos! I don't know why gambling is in there. Anyway, that's not really funny, either on its own or even "look at the idiot" funny. It needs something else to make it hilarious. What it needs is sweet, sweet irony.

So when Watson got pulled over in late April and busted for DUI and marijuana possession, I really should have been all over that. But I'm just one man. Barely that in late April, to be honest. The good news is, by waiting, I've also learned the following FACTS OF UNMITIGATED AWESOMENESS!

Awesome Fact One! Watson tested positive for cocaine! He claims he has no idea how that happened, he never took any cocaine, Holmes was always big into heroin anyway, plus his skin's clearly not rotting off like the East Coast cocaine is doing to you these days. OK, he only claimed that first part, but I think the rest would help with his defense.

Awesome Fact Two! He smokes pot to relieve the pain of pancreatitis. If true, this would put me on his side, except that it's probably not true, plus there's that whole thing where he mocked the legislature for apparently doing something beneficial to pot smokers. I'd look up what that is, but it's Rhode Island and I'm only one man.

Awesome Fact Three! He thinks he's been targeted by police because he's a state lawmaker. I'm pretty sure that's not how the traditional abuse of power between politicians and police goes, my dear Watson.

The Waldorf-Astoria got off easy... allegedly. According to a story in the New York Post, the hotel has, repeatedly, over the past decade, forced Arab banquet worker Mohamed Kotbi to wear nametags that say "John" or "Edgar". The "John" started after 9/11, of course. After discrimination complaints years later, he was allowed to use his last name, until last November, when he got to be "Edgar".

I don't know why conservatives get all pissed off about New York City being the gay liberal Mecca of the East Coast. They should just stay at the Waldorf-Astoria, where a combination of free-market forces, blatant bigotry, and a government powerless to mete out justice to an employer would make them feel right at home.

Newt Gingrich got off easy. I know, with his campaign staff leaving him and nobody taking him seriously, that he's down, and therefore in a position resistant to kicking, but he's Newt Gingrich. Fuck that guy. I mean, before everything imploded, he suggested this idea:

"[Immigrants] need to pass a test of American history. And candidly, it wouldn’t be bad to have a test like that for young Americans before they start voting."

Do you know how bad an idea this is? This is an idea so bad that even ALLEN FUCKING WEST recognized it as a return to racist tactics for keeping blacks from voting in the 50's and 60's. And Allen West's record on human rights is about as spotty as a record can get and still be recognizable as spots.

And Ruben Diaz got off hella easy. Do you know one of the reasons the New York senate had such a tough time wrangling the votes necessary to pass the gay marriage bill? Ruben Fucking Diaz, a DEMOCRAT, who campaigned vigorously, but ultimately unsuccessfully, against marriage equality.

And he did it largely by lying out his ass. He said the bill would force churches to hold gay weddings. It didn't. Not when he said it, and not when they strengthened the "conscientious bigot" protections before the bill finally passed. He said homosexuality is against nature and "just should not exist". He said his lesbian granddaughter was on his side, when she was actively leading counter-protests against Diaz. And he said gay people should just stop being gay people, like drug addicts can just stop being drug addicts.

Fuck the big tent. I don't need any Ruben Diazes on my team. You want to hate that much, there are plenty of conservatives who will pay you handsomely to do so on a regular basis. Fuck off.