Archive - May 5, 2011


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Memo to various and sundry: YOU ARE DUMB.

Right. The Great Disruption is upon us. Luckily, I have been vigilant and industrious, so here's what it'll look like from your end. No column tomorrow. A special three-part series Monday, Tuesday and Thursday of next week. The usual three-quote bonanza next Wednesday. No column next Friday. The Monday and Tuesday after that are very much up in the air still. We will see. As always, keep an eye on Twitter, @youaredumb, for bonus content. I promise none of it will be about how heavy my kitchen shit is.

And now I've got some business to take care of and stragglers to clean up after before The Great Disruption, so it's time for a special Thursday edition of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY DAY BEFORE FRIDAY!

Donald Rumsfeld is a fucking douchebag.

Less than a day after clearly and concisely telling Newsmax that no, waterboarding did not lead to any of the information used in killing Osama bin Laden, he reversed himself, lashed out at leftist news organizations for taking him out of context, and basically acted the way you'd expect Donald Fucking Rumsfeld to act.

Of course, his first statement lines up nicely with the facts of the case, which clearly show the waterboarding taking place years before the relevant info was obtained. And his second statement lines up nicely with the right-wing framing that emerged over the course of Monday and Tuesday. So I think it's obvious what happened here.

The upside to following me on Twitter is that you get to see stuff I don't put in the column. The downside of following me on Twitter is that you get to see stuff that I eventually decide has GOT to go in the column. Like this tweet from Virginia's notorious wingnut attorney general, Ken "The Cooch" Cuccinelli. ACTUAL TWEET TIME!

"How much would I give to be one of the 72 Virginans Osama is 'hanging out' with since Sunday?"

I love this tweet so much, I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant. Seventy two times. Because there is NO WAY to read this tweet that does not imply that The Cooch wants to have sex with Osama bin Laden in the Muslim afterlife. It may be out of passion, it may be out of necrophilia, and it may be some kind of vengeful Deliverance sodomizing, like a dirty, dirty version of Toby Keith's "boot in the ass". Only the boot is The Cooch's penis. Watch Cooch try to clarify:

"It seems some were confused by my earlier tweet. Read it closely:...72 Virginians... (Not a typo, ie, people who live in Virginia...)"

See, that's not the part that confused us. We were pretty sure you were turning "virgins" into "Virginians", even though you dropped a key "i" that makes it sound like you meant "vaginas". But that doesn't change the fact that you want to be part of Osama bin Laden's martyrdom reward system. Which involves lots of sex, whether it's with virgins or Virginians. This is why we shouldn't elect or appoint homophobic closet cases. THEY HAVE ISSUES.

Speaking of inappropriate responses to the passing of Osama, I'd like to thank whoever spraypainted "Osama Today, Islam Tomorrow" on a Portland, Maine mosque. America gets attacked by terrorists? Commit a hate crime! America scores a success against terrorism? Commit a hate crime! It's the accessory that goes with everything!

I'd also like to thank the Texas math teacher teacher who told a ninth-grade Muslim girl in his algebra class that "I bet you're grieving", and also "I heard about your uncle's death." First, because you've ensured that I can make fun of Texas for being a wretched hive of shit-kicking racists for at least two more years without feeling the slightest bit guilty, and second, for accidentally throwing a bit of irony in your attempt to make a high school freshman girl cry.

Because he's an ALGEBRA teacher. Which means he owes his job, the job he's now been suspended from for being a bigoted dickhead, to the very Arabs and Muslims who developed algebra in the first place.

And finally, because I don't want you spending three whole days feeling great about the world, I leave you with this piece of absolutely true news.

Former Bush Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hired by Xe, the corporation formerly known as Blackwater. As their new, I SHIT YOU NOT, "ethics chief".

I suppose it makes sense. They had to find someone whose level of ethics expertise matched up with Xe's level of actual ethics. In that sense, Ashcroft is almost overqualified for the job, which I believe is a first for him.