Archive - May 25, 2011

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Dance, Puppet Reagan! DANCE!

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Memo to Paul Broun, Bill Dunn, and John Cornyn: YOU ARE DUMB.

Now, I know TIMMEH announced his candidacy. And I know he went to Iowa and talked a lot of shit, and that lot of shit proved to be a lot of shit. And I'll get to it, I promise. But if I let TIMMEH throw me off my routine, it will literally be the single greatest achievement of his entire candidacy. And nobody wants that. So let us proceed as if he were continuing to release epic videos teasing us about his campaign, and turn our attention instead to IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"In fact," Broun continued, "Franklin Delano Roosevelt sent his advisers, his close friends, his Cabinet people to go visit with Stalin in communist Russia to study what he was doing, what Stalin was doing there, so that FDR could replicate it here in the United States. And he did everything that he possibly could to do so." - Georgia congressman Paul Broun.

Now, Paul Broun hates Communism, because Communism is bad. And Paul Broun hates Stalin, because Stalin was a Communist, and Communists are bad. And Broun hates FDR, because FDR was a Democrat, and Democrats are bad. And since Paul Broun is a moron, and morons are bad, he thinks he needs to associate all the bad things in his head into one big bad thing. It'd be like if I found some flimsy excuse to call Paul Broun a pedophile made out of broccoli.

But Paul Broun has a problem, because the things that FDR brought to America, whether he learned them from Stalin or not (hint: not), are some of the most popular government programs in American history. Which means, by Paul Broun's reasoning, the American people LOVE Stalinist Communism by a ratio, according to most polls, of about four to one. And Paul Broun leads the American people, so Paul Broun is a Communist leader. Ergo, by Paul Broun's own strange form of logic, HE IS STALIN. Which is surprising to me, because I thought Stalin would look better than that at 133.

"I think that if there’s one thing that everyone in this room could agree on, that would be that Albert Einstein was a critical thinker. He was a scientist. I think that we probably could agree that Albert Einstein was smarter than any of our science teachers in our high schools or colleges. And Albert Einstein said that a little knowledge would turn your head toward atheism, while a broader knowledge would turn your head toward Christianity." - Tennessee state representative Bill Dunn, arguing in favor of creationism.

I'll see your quote and raise you one. Ronald Reagan once said that "A little knowledge makes you think that God is trying to drown Tennessee. Even less knowledge makes you think that God is trying to drown Tennessee for teaching about homosexuality. But a lot of knowledge makes you realize there is no God, and it's just raining a lot because we keep burning dinosaur juice."

Because fuck it, if Dunn can take a mangled Francis Bacon quote and attribute it to one of the world's all-time great scientific geniuses and tongue-posers just because somebody's angel-buying, "Footprints"-crocheting aunt forwarded an e-mail to someone who passed it on to him, then I reserve the right to make all kinds of shit up and put it in the reanimated puppet corpse of Ronald Reagan, beloved Republican saint. What's going to stop me? Accountability for public statements? You first, assholes.

"Well, I’m not so sure. Here I am in the middle of the debate and I’m not so sure. I’ve been told that 98 percent of the services they offer to pregnant women are abortion-related services. I’m not sure, but I think we ought to find out. I actually went on Planned Parenthood’s website yesterday to try and see if I could get some good info, and I came up empty." - John Cornyn, saying that his colleague Jon Kyl's now infamous statement that was not intended to be factual MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUE because John Cornyn doesn't know how to work the Internet.

And speaking of accountability for bullshit statements, which appears to be a theme I've accidentally stumbled across very late in the writing process, WHAT THE FUCK.

"I've been told... I'm not sure... we ought to find out... I came up empty..." Holy fucking shit. We are going to go nowhere fast if we keep letting fucktards generalize their ignorance. "I don't know" is not the same as "nobody knows", no matter how much creationists, liars, and their superset, the Republican Party, would like it to be so. People know things. They know what Planned Parenthood spends its money on. And in what percentage. They know that Planned Parenthood spends 3% of its funding on abortion. They make pie charts about it. They put those pie charts on the Internet, including on Planned Parenthood's site.

Also, simple common fucking sense, people! If the real number is 98, they're not going to lie and say THREE. Nobody does that. They'd pick a lower number that was low enough to be more public-relations friendly, but that couldn't be disproven by one reporter spending one hour in one clinic at random. But what the hell, John Cornyn -says- he couldn't find the answer on the Internet, ergo the percentage of funding Planned Parenthood spends on abortion could be anywhere from 0% to 100%. It's a complete mystery.

The only good news? There's a chance, somewhere between 0% and 100%, that John Cornyn's Internet fact finding tour went exactly like all of his real fact-finding tours, with several side trips to look at naked 14-year-old Thai boys. I'm not sure, and I think we ought to find out. I actually went on John Cornyn's website yesterday to try and find some good info, but I came up empty.