Archive - May 12, 2011

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Sky Dentist And The Theology Of Tomorrow

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Because of the hectic life schedule, this week will contain nothing but a-topical pre-written content. Things should return to normal, or something approaching normal, next week.

Enjoy your respite? Well suck it up, readers, because there's one more stirring adventure with Dr. Jobe Martin, LBJ's Sky Dentist, and his Incredible Creatures That Defy Evolution If You're A Fucking Moron!

When last we left Sky Dentist, he'd decided bombardier beetles couldn't have evolved because they are made up of complex systems that, if one component were different, would make them explode. And then he'd decided giraffes couldn't have evolved because they are made up of complex systems that, if one component were different, would make their heads explode. Next up, woodpeckers!

You see, woodpeckers are made up of complex systems that...

You see where this is going. The whole fucking thing is like this. Animal! Animal behavior! Behavior that would be fatal were it not for biological structures! In the case of the woodpecker, slamming its head against the wall would make it's eyes... wait for it... wait for it... actually, you don't have to wait for it. You know what verb goes here. Explode. ACTUAL RIDICULOUS QUESTION TIME!

"Have you ever seen a blind woodpecker?" No, but I see a stupid baldpecker. Thanks, Instant Streaming!

I mean seriously, creationist? This guy has ONE argument. It's not even a good argument. And he repeats it over and over again for two and a half hours, except for the bits in between each animal where the public-access churchy version of Jack Hanna reads animal facts that are clearly off of infomercial "zoo facts" cards from the early 80s. You find this convincing, yet people take you seriously. That makes less sense than trusting a fucking sky dentist to study animals for you.

I mean, at one point, he actually looks right in the camera and asks "Are there any evolutionists that teach that woman evolved from ribs?" No, there aren't. And it's not because evolution is at odds with Christianity, it's just at odds with your freakish, pseudo-literal version of Christianity.

I say pseudo-literal because, while I am not the world's foremost expert on Biblical accuracy, he says a few things in the theology department that don't seem right to me. He keeps referring to "Jesus the Creator", which seems to be applying a warped version of the Holy Trinity to the Old/New Testament split. He talks about the creation of Eve and says "when Adam wakes up from his anesthetic and sees Eve..." implying that Jesus The Creator, which I guess is like Bob The Builder only with a beard instead of a hard hat, had an ample supply of Propofol in the Garden.

And then there's this:

"I think it proves there is a designer. And I think I know his name. And I think he wants to have a relationship with each one of us. And I think he's penetrated his time and his space in the person of his son, the Lord Jesus Christ, who is the designer and the maker, who has the power and the genius to do all this.

First, I think we've found Charlie Sheen's ghost writer. Second, never use the word "penetrating" in regards to your deity. Third, never use the word "penetrating" in regards to your deity. I know I said that twice, but I want you to know how important it is, because it makes your deity sound pervy. Especially when that deity wants a relationship with each one of us. And fourth, you've somehow combined Jesus, God, Bob The Builder, Einstein, and Doctor Who* into one omni-deity. Which is the only remotely interesting thing you've done in these entire documentaries, but is not, as far as I can tell, Biblical literalism.

It's just dumb.

*Don't get stroppy with me, nerds. I know that's technically not his name.