Archive - Apr 8, 2011

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Memo to Wisconsin, Mississippi, and Fox And Friends: YOU ARE DUMB.

The last 24 hours have been a cocktail of deeply, deeply fucked. In the interests of remaining vaguely topical, I've jammed most of that cocktail into a tiny shot glass, called it Sex On The Beach And Man Thursday Was Fucked Up, and while I could sell it at trendy nightclubs for twelve bucks, it'd be easier to just give it to you for free on SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

First, to Wisconsin, where that thing I wrote about how you'd know who won the Supreme Court case is easily the biggest mistake I'll make all fucking year. When all was said, Bitchy Prosser had lost by a couple of hundred votes, but apparently all was not said AND done. Late yesterday, a Republican-leaning county official who pulled all the voting computers off the network found an additional 15,000 votes, all but about 3,500 for Prosser.

Now, I've lived through two close election recounts in the past three years, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that any vote swing, no matter how dramatic, that favored both Al Franken and Mark Dayton was met with screams of skeptical outrage from Republicans convinced that ACORN had printed up a bunch of fake ballots with the names of aborted fetuses and illegal immigrants on them.

Now, after losing in two recounts, Republicans in Wisconsin have found fifteen thousand votes due to "human error". There is a high road here, and a low road here. It's not my place to tell you which to take. It's my place to tell that both roads are completely fucking valid given the history of Midwestern recounts. Enjoy yourselves.


Whenever an urban, liberal, polemicomic like me makes fun of the South for being a bunch of retrograde, cousin-fucking, racist hicks, someone always needs to point out how there are racists everywhere, and it's really a rural/urban thing, or a class thing, and not really a geographical holdover from when that entire fucking half of the country seceded in order to keep owning black people as property? Well, eat it, South.

"We asked voters on this poll whether they think interracial marriage should be legal or illegal- 46% of Mississippi Republicans said it should be illegal to just 40% who think it should be legal." - Public Policy Polling.

By the way, the Mississippi racist contingent loves Sarah Palin and hates Mitt Romney. Funny, that.

Yes, there are racists everywhere. But if you were placing a bet on which side of the Mason-Dixon line a state where half the Republicans were willing to state publicly to a pollster that they want to criminalize interracial marriage would be on, I know where every last one of you would put your money. And you'd be right to do so.


I don't normally bother to make fun of Fox And Friends, because there's almost nothing I can say about Steve Doocy and his merry band of morning-show windowsill-lickers that's worse than actually being Steve Doocy and his merry band of morning-show windowsill-lickers. But yesterday morning, they set a new standard for right-wing Pavlovian idiocy that stretches the boundaries of self-parody. Since it happened on Thursday, it probably got covered on Daily Show and Colbert before you got to read this, but fuck it. They got pissed off about a box of Crayola "Multicultural" markers featuring a range of human skin tones. And leading the charge was Michelle Malkin. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's just goofy. I have to say, I'm proud that I survived my childhood without multicultural markers. I was fine with burnt siena, and I think really most elementary school kids are fine with pink or blue. You know, my son draws everybody with blue anyway. I don't see that in there."

It's good that Malkin was able to make do with only one crayon, and her son has been able to make do with one crayon, but there are other parents out there who don't need to lock up all but one color in a box called "Arts And Crafts Internment Camp". I'm betting Crayola's marketing to those parents.

I love how right-wing knee-jerk multicunterism flares up at even the slightest imagined loss of privilege. How dare private industry make it possible for today's children to actually draw something that looks like them, rather than some garish, slightly racist near-match from the same 64 colors kids had access to in the 50's. Next thing you know they'll be demanding the right to vote, or thinking they can be president, or not get locked up in cages because the country their ancestors came from bombed Hawaii. And we can't have that, can we?