You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Apr 6, 2011
Memo to David Prosser: HA HA, OR OH SHIT.
As I write this, Wisconsinites have gone to the polls to elect a state Supreme Court justice. As you read this, either incumbent David Prosser, or challenger JoAnne Kloppenburg, will have been elected to a high court that will play a key role in evaluating the legality of the laws Scott Walker and his buddies put into place. To help you decide whether you should be sad or happy about the result, whatever that result may be, I am dedicating today's column to Justice Prosser. IDIOTS IN ROBES SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!
"In a fit of temper, you were screaming at the chief; calling her a 'bitch,' threatening her with '...I will destroy you'; and describing the means of destruction as a war against her 'and it won't be a ground war.'" - Supreme Court justice Ann Walsh Bradley, in an e-mail to Prosser.
The "chief" or "bitch" in question was Wisconsin Supreme Court Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson.
Now, nobody who knows me would call me an expert on either decorum or professional conduct. But I'm pretty sure that threatening to destroy someone who, while not technically your boss, does sit above you in the grand pecking order, is the kind of shit that gets your ass fired from jobs you can be fired from. It's also just shitty behavior. At least Prosser can be fired by the voters, although you know better than I do whether that happened, or if the voters bought his fascinating defense of his actions. Speaking of bitch...
"I probably overreacted, but I think it was entirely warranted.... They are masters at deliberately goading people into perhaps incautious statements. This is bullying and abuse of very, very long standing." - Prosser, admitting that everything in the complaint was true.
This, in case you've never heard it before, is a defense more commonly known as "If the bitches didn't want me to call them bitches, they shouldn't have been such bitches."
But let's take Prosser at his word. Prosser knows that Abrahamson and Bradley are mastergoaders. That they constantly prod and provoke and proke Prosser the prick until he provides the professional... pruicide they so desperately seek. And they've been doing this for a very, very long time, expressly to embarrass him.
And the motherfucker FELL FOR IT.
So he's either an intemperate asshole, or an idiot. You know, like how now, before the wave form collapses, he's either a Supreme Court justice, or he isn't. And you're either happy, or once again astonished by the collective stupidity of the Wisconsin electorate who believed Prosser's conspiracy theories.
The first thing I would say is that when I’m reelected a lot of the problems are going to change because there will be no longer an incentive to try to embarrass Dave Prosser and put certain members of the Court in a bad light. So it’s a little disconcerting to me that today they have ganged up and tried to recruit candidates to run against me and create a foul atmosphere inside the Court. - Prosser, still spinning madly.
Create a foul atmosphere? Bitch, please. Either the bad atmosphere started when you called two of your fellow justices "bitches" and vowed to "destroy them" like Mel Gibson in a black robe (instead of Mel's more traditional white hooded one), or, if your story above is to be believed, the foul atmosphere existed long before they tried to get your sorry ass voted out.
Man, I hope you lost. You can't even lie consistently.
"Protecting the conservative judicial majority and acting as a common sense complement to both the new administration and Legislature. - A promise from a December press release on what Prosser would be able to do if elected.
We've seen what the new administration is like. We've seen what the legislature is like. Leaving aside, if that's even possible, the blatantly partisan statement of intent from a standing judge, who the fuck would want a "complement" to that? If Prosser won, go to paragraph 15a. If he lost, go to paragraph 15b.
15a: Fucking Wisconsinians, I guess. "Cheesehead" doesn't refer to the hats.
15b: Not even fucking Wisconsinians, I guess. Even cheeseheads can learn from their mistakes.
"They were not only setting a trap, they were kind of massaging the record, and changing the record. … It was not good behavior on my part, but I have to say, this was not all my fault! There was some provocation here. There were a whole series of incidents that lead up to an explosion." - Prosser, on Fox "Where The Fuck Else Would He Be?" News.
Ladies and gentlemen, back once again for it's long-running engagement in Branson, Missouri! You know it! You love it! You think it only applies to poor black people! Yes, it's PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!