Archive - Apr 20, 2011

And Now, Some Words From Crazy People And Charles Manson

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Memo to Charles Manson, Jim DeMint, and Sammy Hagar: YOU ARE DUMB.

First and foremost, fuck rhinovirii in all their forms. JUST SAYING. Luckily, Wednesdays are easy here at You Are Dumb Dot Net Headquarters. Because even though I'm singlehandedly boosting the profits of the Kleenex and Advil people, few things come as naturally to me as mocking IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Everyone's God and if we don't wake up to that there's going to be no weather because our polar caps are melting because we're doing bad things to the atmosphere… The automobiles and fossil fuels are destroying the atmosphere and we won't have air to breathe. If we don’t change that as rapidly as I’m speaking to you now, if we don’t put the green back on the planet and put the trees back that we’ve butchered, if we don’t go to war against the problem..." - Charles Manson, adding "Earth" to his list of victims.

If Charles Fucking Manson is really concerned about global warming, then you know what he should say when Vanity Fair (the version from Spain, for some reason) shows up for an interview? DRILL BABY DRILL. And he should call out dreaded "cap-and-tax" legislation for hurting the economy. You know why? Because he's CHARLES FUCKING MANSON.

You know why we're not acting on climate change right now? Because Al Gore takes private jets, put on a little weight, and broke up with his wife. Don't blame me. I didn't set the level of political discourse in this country. Apparently, only Rush Limbaugh has that power. The friends and enablers of Big Carbon are perfectly willing to abuse the imagined, irrelevant personal failings of a decent human being in order to maintain their way of life.

So we're NEVER gonna hear the fucking end of "you know who else thinks we should fight global warming? Charles Manson!". Thanks, Charlie.

"Some are trying to separate the social, cultural issues from fiscal issues, but you really can’t do that. America works, freedom works, when people have that internal gyroscope that comes from a belief in God and Biblical faith. Once we push that out, you no longer have the capacity to live as a free person without the external controls of an authoritarian government. I’ve said it often and I believe it – the bigger government gets, the smaller God gets. As people become more dependent on government, less dependent on God." - Sen. Jim DeMint, Theocrat-South Carolina.

OK, I accept that I don't have an internal gyroscope. I bump into shit way too much for that. But I didn't realize I lacked it because I didn't believe in God and the Bible. Does it get installed during your baptism? Do you get to keep it when you go all apostate, or does it get confiscated? Does that mean everyone who falls off shit on YouTube is an atheist?

DeMint's shitty attempt to upgrade the "moral compass" metaphor with something people know is in their iPhone aside, we atheists can live as free people just fine, thanks. But DeMint is right - the more people depend on government, the less they need to depend on God. And that's a good thing. You know why?

Because if you're fucking starving, and you go through an elaborate set of religious rituals and try to get God to feed you, you know what you'll be the next day? HUNGRIER. But if you go through an elaborate set of bureaucratic rituals? Odds are, the next day or so, you'll have food stamps. And you'll get to eat. Because the government actually exists and can help people. With God, you have to hope you run into one of his followers that actually believes in helping the needy, and not some pious Randian silver-spoon fuckwad like Jim DeMint.

"Remember the story in the book, where I have a dream about being contacted by aliens in the foothills above Fontana? That’s right. It was real. They were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, 'F**k, they downloaded something into me!' Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. 'See what this guy knows.' - Sammy Hagar, delivering the Rosetta Stone of straight lines in an MTV interview.

You can tell he's lying, because nobody, not even aliens, wants to download any Sammy Hagar. They MEANT to abduct David Lee Roth, but couldn't find him and had to settle. They extracted all the knowledge from Sammy Hagar's brain, and ever since, the aliens have been shamelessly promoting shitty tequila all across the galaxy. Sammy Hagar's incredible business savvy - put the "dream" version in the thing you have to pay $13 to put into your Kindle so that nobody on the bus sees the cover and realizes you're reading a Sammy Hagar book, but the part where you admit to a real live alien abduction? Give that away for free to MTV.

Sammy Hagar. He can't drive 55, and he can't use the terms "uploaded" and "downloaded" correctly. Aliens briefly experimented with Sammy Hagar, which makes them no better than Eddie Van Halen. Or a few dozen groupies. Oh, and the first ever mobile telephone call was made sixteen months before Sammy Hagar was born, so add "history of technology" and "looking shit up on Wikipedia" to the vast list of things Sammy Hagar is bad at.

And, of course, the most obvious joke of all - not even aliens wanted to keep Sammy Hagar.