Archive - Apr 15, 2011

Dicks And Heads

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Memo to Barack Obama, Arizona, and Tim Pawlenty: I AM WITHHOLDING JUDGMENT ON ONE OF YOU.

Everybody's working for the weekend. A time for errands, for, perhaps, packing, or relax and catch a rerun of this week's Web Soup on G4, probably sometime Sunday morning. It's the one with Alison Brie. Just saying. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I, like a lot of liberals, have criticized Barack Obama a fair amount over the past couple of weeks. So you may be wondering if I, like a lot of liberals, were impressed enough by Wednesday's budget proposal to back off of him for a bit. And the answer is... well... SORT OF.

It was a pretty good speech. It demanded an end to the Bush tax cuts, talked about raising other revenues, and was nearly 25% as mean to Paul Ryan's Im-Magic-Nation budget proposal as it deserves. But it was just one speech. One speech is not a consistent messaging strategy that reinforces even moderately Democratic ideals while weakening right-wing framing. Trying to solve the deficit problem in the first place is a right-wing framing, since we could eliminate most of the deficit simply by ending the three biggest clusterfucks of the Bush presidency - the two wars and the tax cuts.

Plus, do I really need to recite a litany of policy goals Barack Obama has trumpeted in speeches before? Public option? Closing Gitmo? Not torturing people anymore? Not having secret prisons in Afghanistan anymore? And, of course, ending the Bush tax cuts. All these things are still with us, except for the public option, which was the only good one.

So sure, more like this. But there's at least a 50/50 chance that this speech was intended to start the negotiations with Ryan's plan so that we all end up with Simpson-Bowles, and if that happens, I reserve the right to be royally pissed off. Again.

Still, as bad as Obama is, Republicans are so, so much worse. Like in Arizona, where a "birther" bill requiring presidential candidates to show proof of citizenship before going on the Arizona ballot is poised to become law. But proving citizenship is easier thanks to some last-minute changes to the bill. According to James King of the Phoenix Sun-Times, Arizona will accept a birth certificate, a hospital birth record, a postpartum medical record, or an early census... oh, and also proof of circumcision.

Because apparently a "certificate of live birth" from Hawaii is part of a secret Kenyan plot to sneak a non-citizen into the White House, but if you have a piece of paper showing your genitals were mutilated at birth, then in the eyes of Arizona, you're 100% American!

Now, in addition to being mind-bogglingly fucking stupid, I'd think this veers perilously close to violating the "religious test" clause of the Constitution. Plus, what if, someday, a politician runs for President who did one of those freaky "hang a weight off my dick to try to replace his foreskin" things in his 20s? Are we going to have another impeachment with even more testimony describing the President's penis? Because I don't think I could sit through two of those in one lifetime. Thanks, Arizona! Despite your apparently patriotic lack of foreskins, your heads are still full of smegma.

TIMMEH'S running! TIMMEH's running! Um, unofficially! Really! He told Piers Morgan on CNN that he's running for President, then his spokesman said his sentence "I'm running for President" was taken out of context, and that he'd announce in the spring that he'll be running for president.

I'm sure TIMMEH wanted to make the announcement someplace more momentous than on the show of the guy that made us forget how much we fucking hated Larry King. And he probably wanted planes flying overhead, and a John Williams score, and the word "president" being punctuated by a sound effect that would make Jack Kirby rise from his grave in a standing ovation.

But he's not fooling anybody, Tim Pawlenty announced he was running for president as soon as he became Minnesota governor and pledged to never raise taxes. We all knew what THAT meant. That meant someone was hitching his political chariot to Grover Norquist and the Club for Growth, and there's only a couple rungs on the ladder above governor.

So let it fly free, TIMMEH. Don't try to keep us in suspense. Don't try to make yourself look interesting. You might as well get used to accepting that certain things are doomed to fail if you're gonna run for president.