Archive - Apr 13, 2011

Why You Pull Them Back

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Memo to Rand Paul, Jon Kyl, and Brett Crane: YOU ARE DUMB.

A tug of war between center and right is not a tug of war. It's a dude with a red flag around his neck getting dragged around the yard by a bunch of crazy people. And the more you get dragged around, the crazier they get. I don't know exactly what Barack Obama has in store for America in his budget speech tonight, but I do know this. If he doesn't pull to the left, these three fucks today will be considered the serious mainstream, instead of as IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"And he thinks, naively, that electricity and the brilliance of light would be an advantage for society and that it would bring great new things as far as being able to see at night, to read, and the advancement of civilization. He takes it before the collective of elders, and they take the light bulb, and basically it's crushed beneath the boot heel of the collective. The collective has no place basically for individual choice." - Rand Paul, achieving Glibertarian Nirvana.

Yes, ladies and joims, that was Occasional Self-Licensed Dentist and nepotistic libertarian Senator Rand Paul, quoting Ayn Rand, in order to argue against energy-efficient light bulbs. Daddy must be so proud.

Of course, in his example, nobody has light bulbs or electricity thanks to Space Communism, and the Space Communists decide to keep anybody from having light bulbs at all. And all the government is doing is saying that if you're going to have a light bulb, it has to meet certain energy efficiency standards, the same way the government now says you can have any car you want, as long as it gets a certain number of miles per gallon.

Which, if the libertarians had their way, we wouldn't be doing either, and by now we'd all be racing across the desert in our spiky shoulder pads trying to hijack tankers of leaded gasoline. Atlas Shrugged isn't the libertarian ideal, Mad Max is.

"His ways are higher than our ways. He has the ability to take difficult, tragic, horrific circumstances and then turn them into wonderful examples." - Idaho state representative Brett Crane, explaining why women who are raped and impregnated get to experience the wonderful miracle of having their entire lives transformed by a single act of violation - something that, by the way, could never, ever happen to Idaho state representative Brett Crane.

Me, I'm in favor of abortion. I'm in favor of it as a method of birth control. I'm in favor of it because it's Tuesday. I'm in favor of it as a perfectly legitimate medical procedure that no woman should ever feel shame about. I don't even worry that much about reducing the number of abortions, other than the fact that they're a lot more expensive than condoms. Now, I realize this makes me an outlier, but as outliers go, it's a million times more human, and a million times more compassionate, and for those of you who think that way, a million times more Christian than forcing a rape victim to birth and raise the resulting child.

I can be a dick sometimes, but Brett Crane is monstrous and cruel.

"His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions." - A spokesman for senator Jon Kyl, explaining that yes, his boss deliberately lied about the percentage of Planned Parenthood's business that abortions make up, increasing it from three percent to 90 percent in an attempt to get its funding cut.

OK. Now, Daily Show and Colbert covered this, and yeah, it's funny to make up statements about Jon Kyl and insist that they're not intended to be factual. But why isn't someone trying to gin up a scandal about this? He lied on the Senate floor. He admitted to it. Democrats control, for a sufficiently loose definition of that verb, the Senate.

You know what I should have heard all week? Investigations. Censure resolutions. Democrats in the Senate making Jon Kyl's non-factual statement the issue of the day. Pointing out that he has willingly lied through his capped, whitened, Arizona teeth for political gain. And at least PRETENDING that lying that egregiously should have some consequences. Even if it ends up watered down to a slap on the wrist, or blocked by Republicans, fucking stand for something! Stand for senators not lying! Or at least stand for senators lying in a more nuanced, less transparently obvious way!

Why should I defend you when you refuse to defend yourselves? If you want to pull, I'll pull too, but I'll be damned if I'm going to get dragged behind you around the fucking yard.