Archive - Apr 1, 2011
1 April, 2011 - 20:01 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Mike Huckabee and the rest: THANK YOU FOR SUCKING SO HARD.
Ladies and gentlemen, in order to establish a platform from which the rest of my premise can swoop down on your head and claw out your eyes, I present to you the words of one Michael "Mike" Huckabee, the third-sanest potential Republican candidate for 2012. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"I almost wish that there would be, like, a simultaneous telecast, and all Americans would be forced–forced at gunpoint no less–to listen to every David Barton message, and I think our country would be better for it. I wish it’d happen." - Huckabee, at the uber-Christian "United in Purpose" conference.
Who's David Barton? Well, let me put it this way. If David Barton were to announce his candidacy tomorrow morning, Herman Cain would be the second craziest motherfucker running for president in 2012.
The only two people saner than Huckabee are TIMMEH, who doesn't stand a chance in hell, and Mitt Romney, who's just a garden-variety douchebag. Huckabee's third in line, and he wants some kind of Christian Gestapo to strap your eyeballs open and make you watch Dominionist propaganda. That's almost as bad as Newt Gingrich's entire life.
And thank fuck for that, because it'll leave no doubt in 2012 that Obama is the lesser of two evils. The downside? Plenty of room for Obama to be evil.
Case in point. The Obama government has held a man in solitary confinement for the past nine-and-a-half months, often leaving him naked in his cell. The man is an American citizen, and while he's been charged with crimes, he has had no trial, and there's no sign of him having one anytime soon. The man is, of course, Bradley Manning, accused of leaking moderately secret documents that haven't really damaged much of anything to Wikileaks.
And when State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley came out and said that the government's treatment of Manning "ridiculous, counterproductive, and stupid", what did the Obama administration do? Force him to resign. Because the truth hurts, I guess. Or at least it hurts if you're trying to maintain a reputation as a step up from the human rights abuses of the Bush administration without actually changing the policies of the Bush administration.
Guantanamo? Still open, and now they freely admit it's never going to close. Indefinite detention of foreign captives without trial? Well, what the fuck do you think they need to keep Gitmo open for? And now Obama and Holder have decided that they get to interrogate terrorism suspects for as long as they want before informing them of their rights via the Miranda warning. I suppose it's just a formality, since as the Manning and Gitmo cases prove, they really won't have any rights in the first place.
And of course, there's appointing the head of GE (makers of fine nuclear reactors that almost never ever explode!) to lead a "jobs and competitiveness" initiative, while at the same time trying to meekly downplay the fact that GE doesn't pay any fucking taxes. And in fact is several billion dollars in the black when it comes to its tax relationship with the United States government.
Pile all that atop the mountain of compromising mediocrity that has loomed over the health care bill, the tax cut expiration, and now the (first, second, and third of what will be at least six) government shutdown battles, and Obama should be thanking the Republicans every single day that they're fielding Cain, Bachmann, Palin, Gingrich, Barbour, Pawlenty, Huckabee, Santorum, Paul, Paul, and Romney. It's like a GOP baker's dozen of suck. Don't blame me. They're not good at math.