Archive - Mar 2011

March 25th

Exploratory Self-Plagiarism Makes The Angels Cry

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Memo to Michele Bachmann, Rand Paul, Iran, and Bryan Fischer: YOU ARE DUMB.

2012. A year that will live in infamy. From the Mayan prophecy that's not actually a prophecy, to the blockbuster action movie that was barely a movie, to the next presidential election, to the Olympics, 2012 is going to be a year jam-packed with shit I'm going to instinctively hate. And it's also the vague theme tying together today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

First, yes, I know I did these jokes on Twitter yesterday. But I like them, and since the column still gets 5x as many readers as the Twitter feed, I thought I'd bring the jokes to a larger audience, while letting the larger audience know what they're missing by avoiding the 140-character realm.

So Batshit Bachmann is forming an exploratory committee for a 2012 presidential run. I wish her the best of luck. In response, I've decided to form my own exploratory committee to campaign for a position I'm just as likely to get, and am in fact more qualified for than she is for President: GOD-EMPEROR OF DUNE.

In service of this goal, I've formed LAMBERTGEODPAC, and along with my advisors, have formulated an initial strategy to appeal to the white, lower-middle-class Midwestern voters that, presumably, I need to appeal to if I'm going to take my rightful place as deity/ruler of Arrakis. First step, take the ethnic edge off the terminology.

In other words, no "kwisatz haderach". It sounds Jewish at best, and terrorist at worst, to the target demographic. So instead, we'll be substituting "awesome dude". Less threatening, clearer, and appeals to people who were part of the youth demographic in 1986.

In addition, the "gom jabbar" will henceforth be referred to as the "ouchie box". As in, "I know I'm an awesome dude, because I stuck my hand in the ouchie box and lived." They go nuts for that shit in Illinois. It's how Mark Kirk got elected.* We will not, however, be referring to the shai-hulud as "sandworms". Early polling showed people thought it was a venereal disease you caught after drinking too many "Sex On The Beach" cocktails. Instead, we'll be using the term "mobile drilling platforms", which tests much better.

I look forward to your support in the coming campaign. And please stop picketing outside my house. Your "NO BLOOD FOR SPICE" signs just mark you as anti-war hippies, and your "NO SPICE FOR OIL" signs don't make any sense at all.


And now Rand Paul thinks he might want to run, too? What the fuck? Someone needs to point out that the requirement for running for President is a bit more than "Liberals think you're stupid". Just because that's Palin's only qualification doesn't mean the rest of you get to use that to pad out your ridiculously thin resumes.

Although this does tell me one thing - all those people who were saying Obama didn't have enough experience to be President? Turns out they didn't mean that in a BAD way, just that now maybe he's lowered the bar enough that they can jump over it. You know, if the Koch brothers and the teabaggers let them borrow a ladder.


And in your "maybe our politics aren't the craziest in the world" moment to finish out the week on a positive note, a few weeks ago, Iran objected to the logo for the London 2012 Olympics, claiming that the first 2 is a Z, the 0 is an O, the 1 is an I, and the second 2 is actually an N, which spells ZOIN, which if you read it wrong, spells ZION, which means the 2012 Olympics are jewy jew jew jew.

Now, admittedly, the London 2012 logo is an ugly fucking beast, abstracted to near-illegibility, but the fine line between "illegible graphic design" and "global Jewish conspiracy" is actually a very, very thick line. Iran has threatened to boycott the 2012 games over the issue, which is an empty threat every single way you can possibly look at it, but it's heartening to know that in America, nobody's warping objective reality to isolate and alienate an entire religion.

Well, except for perennial topic and contender for worst human being alive Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, who just yesterday argued that the First Amendment only applies to Christians because there weren't any Muslims here when it was written. But hey, at least Bryan Fischer isn't in charge of anything except a huge block of Jesus-freaks who get pandered to by politicians in order to get elected. Whew!

* On Twitter, this joke involved Iowa. I needed all four of those characters, because unlike Chuck Grassley, I not only punctuate and spell, but I can count to 140.