Archive - Mar 9, 2011

2002 Called, It Wants Its Senile Old Fart Back

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Memo to Mark Kirk, Dwayne Alons, and Alan Simpson: YOU ARE DUMB.

I do try to title the Wednesday columns based on thematic consistency, or at least a thematic concatenation of the quotes contained therein. But one quote up on the slab this week is so stunningly awesome that it deserves having the column named after it. What is it? Well, you'll have to wait, because senile old farts aren't the only IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The consensus behind the climate change bill collapsed and then further deteriorated with the personal and political collapse of Vice President Gore." - Illinois' new senator, Mark Kirk, explaining why he now opposes climate-change legislation.

Hm. The personal and political collapse of Al Gore, eh? So climate change was a serious issue until... something happened to Al Gore. Now, what could have happened to Al Gore politically and personally lately? I mean, he lost the election in 2000, but that's ancient history. I suppose Kirk could be referring to "Climategate" - the fact that the whole phony scandal has been thoroughly investigated and debunked doesn't actually matter, after all - but Al Gore wasn't involved in "Climategate". Even if you associate them via the common issue, it's hardly a political collapse.

Which leaves only one thing. Mark Kirk doesn't feel the need to regulate carbon or get off of fossil fuels because Al Gore got a divorce. Time to update the We're All Gonna Die By pool and change the odds on "drowning". Thanks, assholes!

"Well, look at all that has been spent, you know, with the AIDS and with the issues related to the dying at an early age. I think life, longevity, of a lot of these folks is below 50, when you know, the normal people that do not enter into that kind of relationship, their either late into their 70s or early 80s for longevity. A lot more actual productive years and contributing to society." - Iowa State Rep. Dwayne Alons, on why gay marriage is wrong.

Right. Ignoring the fact that the lower life-expectancy of gays is a myth propagated by right-wing fundamentalists and stems from the shoddy research of one single bigoted pseudoscientist in the 90s, let's look at the underlying reasoning, as much as I hate to dignify it with that term.

Alons' argument is that gay people live shorter lives at a greater cost to society as a result of their gay, gay, AIDSy lifestyle choice. Therefore, we must discourage that lifestyle choice. Therefore, we cannot give that choice the societal approval of marriage, because that would result in all kinds of AIDSy buttsex and people dying before they turn 50.

Now, in order to keep Dwayne Alons from being an anti-gay bigoted asshole, we should also restrict the rights and privileges the government grants other people whose "lifestyle choices" reduce their life expectancy and place a burden on society. Maybe we could have some kind of "individual mandate" where the government insists that people have health insurance, so that they can get preventive care and not reduce their life expectancy and become a burden on society due to visiting emergency rooms. You know, just as one example.

But given how incoherently he worded his original argument, I wouldn't suggest confronting him with a question like this. The results are likely to be unpleasant for everybody involved.

"This is a fakery. If they care at all about their children or grandchildren, and sometimes I doubt that -- I think, you know, grandchildren now don't write a thank-you for the Christmas presents, they're walking on their pants with the cap on backwards listening to the enema man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, and they don't like them!" - Alan Simpson, managing to lower the average comprehensibility of Fox News.


Alan Simpson was one of two men tasked by Barack Obama to lead a deficit commission looking for ways to reduce the federal deficit and debt.

Despite the 14-member commission's utter failure to release a consensus, Simpson released his own plan, which cuts Social Security benefits for everyone in order to enact a further cut in the marginal tax rate for the wealthy. Simpsons plan has largely been treated as if it were the deficit commission's plan by the media.

Alan Simpson went on Fox News to complain about baggy-panted teenagers with backwards caps listening to Snoop Dogg and not writing thank-you-notes. Even if he'd gotten the names of the rappers right, and even if his diatribe had been even remotely coherent, or had anything to do with young people's concerns about Social Security, Eminem's & Snoop's heyday was TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. This man shouldn't be in charge of securing his own meals, much less reducing a $14 trillion debt.

I'd suggest that we stop listening to discredited stupid people, but I don't have time - I just heard James O'Keefe totally exposed NPR as left-leaning!