Archive - Mar 22, 2011

Soft Targets

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Memo to Big Hollywood commenters: TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

People use the term "shooting a fish in a barrel" in a derogatory manner. But dammit, sometimes, you really need to shoot a fish quickly and easily, and if there happens to be a bunch of fish swimming around in a barrel, what are you going to do? Give up on fish and fire blindly into the sea because some wag challenges your marksmanship and masculinity? Fuck that. It's time to go fishing.

Last week, they revealed at least a preliminary costume for the still-not-actually-a-series David E. Kelley version of Wonder Woman. The costume, like the project, is objectionable on a number of levels. It's stupid, it incorporates the "Ally McBeal" version of "strong woman" in a way that borders on self-parody, and the costume looks like someone developed an ideal modern re-imagining of the classic Wonder Woman look, then ran out of money halfway through the fabric store.

Thank fuck we have the readers of Big Hollywood, who see everything through a psychotic blend of jingoism and martyrdom, to tell us what the REAL problem is with the costume. Time to play COMMENT THREAD LIGHTNING ROUND!

"They've replaced the colors of Old Glory with the Red Star of China on her bra. Well, scratch this remake OFF my to-see list! "

The Chinese flag is gold stars on a red background. Google tells me, however, that there are a few "Red Star" Chinese restaurants in America, so I guess someone is mad over a cold egg roll. Scratch this commenter OFF my know-what-they're-talking-about list!

"Red blue and yellow are the colors of the flags of Columbia, Ecuador and Venezuela. Throw in a splash of white and you get Switzerland. Hmmmm....... I wonder if the first episode will be Wonder Woman protecting the innocent Huga Chavez from CIA agents disguised as university student protestors. I bet it stars Sean Penn and Danny Glover..."

I almost envy people like this. It's like their head is a barn, and whenever they get angry, they can throw open the doors, hang up a curtain, and put on a show! And it can star all their favorite bugaboos! Clearly, David E. Kelley is an Ecuadoran sympathizer! I didn't even realize we were supposed to hate Ecuador.

"No white stars? Hmmm. That said, it's not as bad as the black pantsuit I thought it was going to be."

Can you spot the subliminal sartorial racism? I knew you could.

"I keep trying to look at the new costume so I can see to what you are referring, but my eyes are drawn to other "aspects" of the photo... "

HUR HUR WIMMINS GOTS TITTIES!

"Lynda Carter - patriotic costume, everything covered. Adrianne Palicki - non-overtly-patriotic costume with push-up bra, apparently Photoshopped legs and thin arms that look like there's no muscles there."

Now, keep in mind, the article this is in response to has a picture of Lynda Carter's WW, bare-legged from crotch to boots, right next to the new WW, who is wearing pants. Above the waist, the skin coverage is identical. So where they get the idea that in the 70's, everything was covered eludes me. I mean, other than the general denial of visible reality required to read Big Hollywood in the first place, of course.

"There is nothing about the look that even remotely makes me think, "ah, that is wonder woman" NOTHING!"

But the lasso... "NOTHING!" Isn't that the same tiara... "NOTHING!" Big silver bracelets... "NOTHING!" Red strapless top with an eagle on it? "NOTHING!" Not even how the boots are identical except for the color scheme? "NOTHING!"

"She's got the Red China Star thing going on. At least it's not the Saudi Arabian flag or the UN NWO flag she's wearing. Why doesn't everybody get their own superheroes instead of stealing ours? The North Koreans could have 'Super Nork' .... the muslims could have 'Camel Man' ....Iran could have 'Atomic Ahmedinajad' .... Venezuela could have 'Chavez the Bull' "

Big Hollywood could have White Supremacist Lantern... Also, "Nork"? I'm not sure how that's even derogatory. It's just an abbreviation of the country name. It'd be like if the North Koreans started calling us "Unis". The only thing worse than rabid xenophobes are lazy, uninventive xenophobes.

"Wonder Woman changes from powerful business woman outfit to brand new, never worn Wonder Woman sexy combat outfit, and looks over at her closet lesbian personal assistant:"

This fails on so many levels, most notably as the parody of What Liberal Hollywood Would Do that is its alleged intent. The lesbian personal assistant would NEVER be closeted. You're confusing your political fantasies with your porn fantasies again, asshole.

Thanks for playing the Lightning round, folks. Unfortunately, you're all losers.