Archive - Mar 2, 2011

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A Matter Of Death And Life. And Monkeys.

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Memo to Joe Quesada, Jack Kingston, and Lynn Wachtmann: YOU ARE DUMB.

Here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, we don't shy away from the big questions. Life. Death. Monkeys. Flamers. We cover all the bases, because, well, we don't have any fucking choice. What I talk about here is largely dictated by what stupid people are talking about elsewhere, and as we know too well, IDIOTS SAY ALL KINDS OF THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"While I will never discount that a character can come back from the dead, because it is one of the staples of comic book storytelling, I'm not going to tell you if he will, or when he will and if he does, how he will, but I can assure you that it's going to be very, very interesting and not what anyone expects." - Marvel honcho Joe Quesada, on the "death" of the Human Torch, Johnny Storm.

I've sat on this quote so long they've probably already brought Johnny Storm back from the dead already*. Superhero deaths in comics are pointless to begin with, but if you hear about a superhero death in the actual news media, it's pointless that has been bombarded with gamma rays, then pissed off. Because if you hear about it in the news, it means the character is popular enough that the news thinks you'll care that he's dying.

Now, I think Johnny Storm just snuck over the line in that regard, thanks to the two shitty Fantastic Four movies and a slow news day, but the point stands. The comics industry is a business engine that uses nostalgia and obsession to extract just enough money from nerds to survive. Nostalgia and obsession do not really work with brand-new characters, which makes old characters like the Human Torch, who've been around for nearly half a century, far too valuable to kill off stone dead. Which Quesada acknowledges, but justifies by saying he'll be so clever that we won't expect it. But we already expect it, so he already failed. Again.

"I believe I came from God, not from a monkey so the answer is no... I don't believe that a creature crawled out of the sea and became a human being one day." - Georgia congressman Jack Kingston, flinging poop on Real Time with Bill Maher.

Using the taxonomy as loosely as you do, because you're thick like molasses at zero Kelvin, you totally came from a monkey, dude. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're closer to a monkey than I am, because like you, monkeys have a tough time grasping that evolution doesn't mean a sea creature becoming a human being overnight. Also, like you, they have a tough time not masturbating in public. It's a constant challenge.

What's with the weird hominid shame thing this particular branch of the stunted creationist tree has going on? The only reason they seem to be unable to reconcile God and evolution is because they can't cope with the fact that back in the mists of prehistory, their ancestors were related to something whose descendants would someday test luggage by jumping on it. It's like a weird sort of very long term, species-ist version of good-ol'-boy racism. And it got elected to fucking CONGRESS.

"When a heartbeat of a baby is detected, that baby will be protected from abortion. It's really as simple as that. As technology improves in medicine, as it continually does, that protection will move closer and closer to conception, which is I think for many of us what our ultimate goal of protecting life is. - Ohio state Rep. Lynn Wachtmann, explaining the purpose of Ohio's new Heartbeat Bill, in support of which a fetal heartbeat will be used as "testimony" in hearings soon.

If Ohio passes the Heartbeat Bill, I think we should use it as precedent to establish similar legislation affecting other areas of life. I think that whenever Lynn Wachtmann pulls up to a McDonald's drive-thru, she can't place her order until the staff play her a recording of a cow's heartbeat over the speaker, then makes her sit in the parking lot for 24 hours to make sure she really, really wants that burger.

Heartbeats don't mean shit. It's just a pump that's gained a superstitious cultural cache. If you doubt this, look at Lynn Wachtmann, who appears to believe that if medical technology just advances far enough, it will be able to detect a heartbeat in a FERTILIZED FUCKING EGG. Which means that, like most pro-life Christians, she sees conception not as a biological fact, but some kind of freakish mystical ritual in which Jesus comes down and gives each blastula a throbbing soul that the space doctors of the future will be able to hear just by listening hard enough.

*They haven't. They've replaced him with Spider-Man and given the Fantastic Four new costumes that look like a cross between 2003-era Apple and a soccer ball. No, I am not shitting you.