Archive - Mar 16, 2011
Beaver! Hitler! Murder!
16 March, 2011 - 19:52 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Mae Beaver, Martin Harty, and Phil Jensen: YOU ARE DUMB.
This Wednesday tradition of mine is many things, but from a creative standpoint, it is frequently a life preserver, something to grab hold of and rest for a bit before swimming the rest of the way through to Friday. Today is one such day, so I'd like to thank state legislators, the lowest form of political life, and almost universally IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.
"Now, you're asking me to get into a lot of things that I haven't really looked into yet." - Tennessee state representative Mae Beavers, no really, answering the question "What is the long-form birth certificate?"
Now, I do not expect our leaders to have every single fact at their disposal. I certainly don't expect state legislators to have them. Especially state legislators from Tennessee, who are frequently schooled on public policy by mosses and slime molds. That said, Mae Beaver has a huge BUT.
BUT, when you're penning a law that demands anyone running for President must present Tennessee with a long-form birth certificate, in a nod to all the racist hick conspiracy nuts that help make Tennessee the dumbest fucking state in the Union, then it behooves you to at least have briefly looked into WHAT THE FUCK ONE IS. All I can say is, the April showers must have had a shitload of mercury in them to bring us Mae Beavers.
"I wish we had a Siberia so we could ship them all off to freeze to death and die and clean up the population... Hitler did something right, and I agree with (it)." - Ninety-one year old New Hampshire state senator Martin Harty's policy on the mentally disabled.
Apparently, Harty has misread the state's slogan as "Live, Freeze, Or Die". Plus, the dude is 91 years old, pro-Hitler, and a Republican. At least two of those should send him to his own damn hypothetical gulag. Marty has since resigned, raising the average IQ of the New Hampshire state Senate by the same amount he lowered the average age.
By the way, Martin Harty was in his first term as state Senator. So they REALLY shouldn't be cutting mental health funds, because at least one district in the state is 51% bugfuck.
"There's no way in the world that I or any other representatives wish to see abortion doctors murdered. So we're looking at some language that will include that. We're looking at some language that would protect abortion providers." - South Carolina state representative Phil Jensen, missing his count of ways in the world by at least one.
You see, Phil Jensen wrote a law that would consider it "justifiable homicide" if you killed someone to defend the life of a fetus. Similar bills are being considered in a number of states, as part of the embryo fetishist push to give blastulas citizenship. Jensen was shocked, SHOCKED, that the world looked at his bill, saw it as a way to legalize the murder of abortion doctors, and yelled at him.
One suggested fix is adding the word "unlawful" from the bill, thereby making it "clear" that they don't mean you can kill someone for performing a legal abortion. But since these are the people who keep making abortion illegal unless it's done at a certain time, after an ever-increasing number of hoops have been leapt through, and paid for entirely by private, personal, baby-killin' savings, with the ultimate goal of making it completely illegal, I think trusting them is an astonishingly bad idea.