Archive - Feb 2, 2011

Relatively Non-Current Events

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Memo to Tom DeLay, Hal Rounds, and Scott Walker: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm not gonna talk about Egypt. Not that there isn't a lot of stupid shit being said about it, mind. The problem is, the right-wing position hasn't solidified, and is in fact getting more and more fluid as events unfold. Which is what happens when you spend half your time praising freedom and democracy, the other half of your time lionizing Israel and hating Muslims, and then a pro-freedom pro-democracy uprising threatens to replace one of Israel's allies with more Muslimy Muslims. Whoops. No, I'm going to stay out of that mess entirely, and content myself with the one constant in an ever-changing world. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I was tried in the most liberal county in the state of Texas, and indeed in the United States. The point is that this is a political campaign." - Tom DeLay, on The Today Show.

No wonder he got sentenced to three years in the Lightly-Secured Motel For Rich White People even though he didn't do anything wrong. If his court defense had logical impossibilities like the one in his NBC defense, I'd have convicted him just on the grounds of wasting the court's time. Because the most liberal county in the United States has never been, is not now, and never will be in Texas. I don't care how hard Austin tries. The more liberal Austin becomes, the faster the rate of osmosis will be from the concentrated solution of yeehaw it sits in.

And they can't make their border something other than a permeable membrane, because in Texas, that's what conservatives want to do with the border to Mexico. Also, suck it, DeLay. Don't do the crime if you can't stay out of jail for years on appeal hoping to get a sentence reduction, then living a relatively comfortable life in minimum-security white-collar prison, all the while going on national television and whining about your alleged innocence. I know that's not pithy, but I can't in good conscience describe what may eventually happen to The Hammer as "doing time".

"No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership." - One of the Tennessee Tea Party's "demands" regarding public school history curricula.

Ah, Tennessee. Not only the dumbest state in the Union, but determined to take whatever steps are necessary to keep it that way. You see, one of the core principles of teabaggerism is a sort of mindless idolatry of the "Founding Fathers", an amorphous group in the late 1700s who founded America because they believed exactly what teabaggers believe. The group part is important, because any actual Founding Father who deviates from teabagger norms in his writings, like filthy deists; or who has some form of moral failing, like slave-fucking? That part doesn't count. It's not part of the Founding Fathers.

Tennessee teabaggers, of course, want to take this one step farther, and ensure that the Schoolhouse Rock/Mount Rushmore version of mythical American History remains intact, without any of those messy things like, as spokesman Hal Rounds put it, "an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the Founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another".

That pesky minority experience of being intruded on and enslaved is fucking with the white men who did the best they could for their time, so that minority experience should be expunged for the good of people whose political philosophy also happens to hinge on minimizing the minority experience. But, you know. Not in a racist way.

"Well I got a simple message… I pulled this out of the archives, we used to have this for tourism, its a bumper sticker that says 'escape to Wisconsin.' And instead of sending it to tourists, we are going to send it to employers, because boy with their taxes going up through the roof we want them to come to Wisconsin." - Wisconsin's newly elected governor, Scott Walker, reacting to Illinois raising its income tax rate from three percent to five percent.

The income tax rate in Wisconsin, of course, ranges between 6.15 percent and 7.75 percent.

Which is funny, but also incredibly sad. "Raising taxes" is seen as a bad thing, so as a Republican, Walker is against it. Wisconsin didn't raise taxes, so Wisconsin is therefore better. Forget math, forget actual numbers, forget raising from what to what, forget facts. It's just knee-jerk semantics at the lizard-brain level. Stimulus-response that doesn't even correctly identify the stimulus. Scott Walker, by all rights, should be mortified, and everyone who voted for him should be ashamed of themselves.

But as Tennessee is teaching us, any historical evidence that might be embarrassing to Republicans isn't really part of history, so I guess Walker never said that after all.