Archive - Feb 11, 2011

Scattered Shots And Scattered Brains

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Time once again for a completely random assortment of short bits without even a half-hearted attempt at a unifying theme. You know it, you love it, and if you don't love it, you still have to put up with its weekly visits... SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Man, the more I think about it, the more I think the uprising in Egypt must be chapping teabagger asses left and right. I mean, think about it. It's a bunch of everyday citizens, angry with the freedom-restricting policies of a man who's all but a dictator, connecting over the Internet by the millions to stand up and force him out of office. It's the real version of the fake revolution they've been pretending to have for two fucking years now. It makes them look like the pathetic Revolutionary War cosplayers that they are.

And on top of all that, it's being done by Muslims. HA HA.


Batshit Bachmann recently told an audience in Montana that "I take my first political breath every morning with one thought in mind: Repeal Obamacare... That's my motivation in life." This quote prompted three thoughts:

ONE. Don't you have to actually live in Montana to join one of their crazy-ass militias? TWO: Economy of language, Michele. For you, "political breath" is redundant. THREE: If Michele Bachmann wants to devote her every waking moment to something that will never happen, that's fine by me. You go, girl!


So, Chris Lee. I have to say, I was shocked when I'd heard the married Republican had resigned immediately after he got caught shirtlessly cyber-flirting on the Craigslist. We live in the era of the Vitter Rule, and since no diapers or prostitutes were involved, no resignation was required.

So the guy's either an old-school Republican, who believes in demonstrating impeccable integrity and personal responsibility the instant he's been caught, or he wants to make damn sure there's no reason for anyone to keep looking. Show's over, move along, nothing to see here.

In an almost completely unrelated story, Newt Gingrich talked about eliminating the EPA at CPAC yesterday and people cheered him.


You can't find a more classic example of what this column rails against than Bill O'Reilly's proof of the existence of God. Remember when Bill said that he knows God exists because the tides happen and nobody knows why, and then everyone said, um, dude, the moon causes the tides, everyone knows that, what the fuck is wrong with you? Well, it took him a few days, but Bill finally came up with his response. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Okay, how did the moon get there? How'd the moon get there? Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate. How'd the moon get there? How'd the sun get there? How'd it get there? Can you explain that to me? How come we have that and Mars doesn't have it? Venus doesn't have it. How come? Why not? How'd it get here?"

I mean, sure, Mars has the sun. And moons of its own. And it'd have tides if it had, you know, any fucking liquid water. But to answer the only relevant question in the entire paragraph, no, we cannot explain it to him, because he doesn't want to know. Knowing would require learning and listening, and Bill O'Reilly makes really, really good money as a direct result of neither learning nor listening.

Logic and reason do not work on the illogical and unreasonable. You can't change stupid people, you can only change the culture so that nobody listens to stupid people any more. An uphill battle, yes. With a horde of morons pushing the boulder from the other side. How'd they get there? How'd they get there? Can you explain that to me? And if Mars doesn't have them, can we build a really big rocket and fix that?