Archive - Jan 2011

January 17th

Happy Asshole Detector Day!

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Memo to Martin Luther King: THANK YOU FOR HELPING US SPOT ASSHOLES.

The second best part about Martin Luther King Jr. Day, apart from the whole honoring a great civil rights leader and whatever part, is the way the holiday brings out the best in America's reactionary assholes.

MLK day proved John McCain was an asshole when he voted against the creation of the holiday, and defended Arizona's governor for not adopting it. We didn't listen, and kept calling him a maverick and going to his house for barbecues, but all the signs were there that a few decades later, this would be the douchebag opposing the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell with his last political breath.

Jesse Helms opposed it. Huge asshole. Ronald Reagan opposed it. Asshole made of jelly beans and Alzheimer's. The state of Virginia, and I did not know this before now, but Virginia only let King have a day if he was paired with Confederate generals Lee and Jackson. They've since moved Lee and Jackson to the Friday before, but still, Virginia is for lovers and assholes.

Paul LePage is a bit of an asshole. Maine's teabagging governor apparently has "personal and professional commitments" keeping him from attending any MLK day events. The personal commitment is that he hates the NAACP, and his professional commitment is that, as a rabid teabagger, he has to hate the NAACP because the NAACP said the Tea Party was a bit racist. And Paul LePage is no racist!

"If they want, they can look at my family picture. My son happens to be black. So, they can do whatever they like about it. But the fact of the matter is there are only so many hours in a day and so many hours in a week and so much that you can do... I am not going to be held hostage by a special interest group." - LePage, in a television interview.

I admit, I cannot find a flaw in the "I'm not racist, my son is black" argument, but I really want to, because there's something very fucking odd about it in a "lady doth protest too much" kind of way. I mean, yeah, it seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to be able to get out of some MLK day events later on, but I remain suspicious.

But any teabagger-backed politician who claims not to be held hostage by a special interest group is fooling himself. The Tea Party PUTS the "special" in "special interests". And the "groups". The "interest", not so much, I admit.

But while LePage is the highest-ranking politician to hate all over MLK day, it's Brett Reese who comes out of nowhere to take the Biggest Asshole prize today. A school board member in Greeley, Colorado, Reese owns his own radio station. And four times a day, Reese has been broadcasting an editorial as far as his tiny, tiny transmitting tower will let him. The editorial is filled with the usual "King was a communist" stuff, but apparently was cribbed in part from a white supremacists website. Yet Brett Resse is no racist.

"The 40-year-old former carpenter claims he helped build houses for Habitat for Humanity in the Mississippi Delta and once dated an African American woman. He insists he's not racist."

Now, that's more like it. He's done charity work in a place that has a lot of black people, and showed up for an e-Harmony date and was very disappointed. So he gets to call Martin Luther King a "plastic god". In other difficult-to-swallow explanations, Reese says people are totally misunderstanding his vow to have a "shootout" with rival radio stations over advertisers, and it had nothing to do with his recent decision to start carrying his handgun everywhere he went.

So, there you have it. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, America's single greatest asshole detector. Find someone who has a problem with the holiday, and odds are excellent that you've found an asshole. Stay away from them, lest they proceed to ruin your days with their displays of rectal tendencies.