Archive - Jan 2011

January 19th

Contradiction Day!

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Memo to Big Hollywood and Big Hollywood, Tucker Carlson and Tucker Carlson, and Robert Bentley and Robert Bentley: YOU ARE DUMB.

Every Wednesday, we explore the nature of idiots, and their tendency to say the damndest things. But what do you do when those idiots say two of the damndest things, and the two damndest things are the exact fucking opposite of each other? And they don't care? You have a special edition theme day I'm calling IDIOTS SAY AND DON'T SAY THE DAMNDEST AND LEAST DAMNED THINGS!

"But for some smug celebrity to intentionally choose this time of year to write a smug column ”having a laugh” at how supposedly ineffective we believers are at making our case — the same smug celebrity who wrote what’s quoted above… Well, that’s yet another uniquely beautiful display of the stunning lack of self-awareness among our celebrity class." - John Nolte, of Big Hollywood, when Ricky Gervais was a smug bastard "having a laugh" at the expense of people John Nolte likes.

"The bubbled stupidity we’re seeing here is in Hollywood’s willingness to keep this story alive for a second day. It’s one thing for this community to have a thin skin, it’s completely another for them to announce it to the whole wide world. Regardless of what some stars and Golden Globes execs might think personally, if they understood how this event is playing out, publicly they would stop baring their asses. The smart gameplan would’ve been titled Common Sense: Paste on a smile, praise Gervais to show you can take a joke, and then privately make sure he never eats lunch in this town again." - John Nolte, of Big Hollywood, explaining exactly the course of action people should take when Ricky Gervais makes fun of them, so as not to seem like oversensitive, thin-skinned asses.

Look, I know the enemy of the enemy is my friend and all that, but these articles weren't even a fucking month apart, Nolte! Just because your name is "Nolte" doesn't mean you're obligated to show up disheveled, ranting, and with no memory of where you were three weeks ago. I'm pretty sure Gervais didn't get over his "stunning lack of self-awareness" during that time, which means the only reason you like him now is because he picked on the cool kids you're secretly jealous of. Stunning lack of self-awareness, indeed.

"Now, I'm a Christian, I've made mistakes myself, I believe fervently in second chances. But Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did in a heartless and cruel way. And I think, personally, he should've been executed for that. He wasn't, but the idea that the President of the United States would be getting behind someone who murdered dogs? Kind of beyond the pale." - Tucker Carlson, warming Sean Hannity's seat during the holiday vacation week, which shows just how far Orville Dumbenfucker's star has fallen lately.

"This is what happens when you get too emotional. I'm a dog lover...I love them and I know a lot about what Michael Vick did...I overspoke. I'm uncomfortable with the death penalty in any circumstance. Of course I don't think he should be executed, but I do think that what he did is truly appalling." - Tucker Carlson, going back on Hannity after everyone laughed at him.

It's the "of course" that kills me. The "of course" means Tucker thinks it's obvious to anyone that when he said "I think, personally, he should've been executed", that what he really meant was that he thinks, personally, that Vick shouldn't have been executed. Who are you going to believe? Carlson's clarification in the wake of well-deserved negative attention, or your own lying ears? Also, "dog lover", snicker, childish innuendo, oblique reference to Tucker Carlson putting peanut butter on his balls, readers scarred for life.

"I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor... I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind... But if you have been adopted in God's family like I have, and like you have if you're a Christian and if you're saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister. Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother." - New Alamaba governor Robert Bentley, bringing an entirely new spirit of inclusiveness to Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

"He is the governor of all the people, Christians, non-Christians alike." - Bentley spokesman Rebekah Caldwell Mason, who I'm counting as the governor because (a) she speaks for him, and (b) she was basically repeating the part of Bentley's speech that makes the whole thing one giant clusterfuck.

Being the governor of all the people is easy. Bentley's predecessor, George Wallace, was the governor of "all the people" of Alabama. He just decided that he would govern all of them so that some of them wouldn't go to the same schools as some of the others, is all.

So yes, Robert Bentley is the governor of the Christians and the non-Christians. But he's made very plain which ones he thinks are better, and which ones he wants to convert into his "brothers and sisters". It's a horrible fucking thing for any government representative to think, and a wildly inappropriate thing for any of them to SAY. Even in Alabama, where backwards thinking is as beloved a tradition as... actually, I can't think of any Alabama traditions that aren't synonymous with "backwards thinking".

Look, I'm the first guy to point out that you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows with these fucks - whichever way is most convenient at this instant. But it's always nice to have a reminder that, in an accountability-free environment, there is absolutely zero social or political price to be paid for pulling this shit. And this shit is a big part of what's killing us.