Archive - Dec 5, 2011

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Parting Is Such Sweet Spearow

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Memo to Herman Cain: IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED. NOW GO AWAY.

See? I didn't think I was gonna get another week out of Black Allnuts. The thing I think we all need to take away from Herman Cain's failed bid for the GOP presidential nomination is not that this man failed, but that he succeeded for as long as he did. Like the woman he modeled his campaign on, Sarah Palin, Herman Cain was able to launch himself from minor figure in Republican politics to national media sensation just by being stupid.

But oh, how gloriously stupid he was. Repeatedly pulling shit out of his ass and admitting it, and getting away with it. I think we all remember how he didn't have the facts to back things up. There was the 9-9-9 tax plan, which everyone except Herman Cain knew wouldn't pass and wouldn't work. To the end, Herman Cain denied that the midwestern Wells Fargo employee who came up with it for him got it from the default values of SimCity 4, but as we're about to see, being fully aware of cultural references was not Herman Cain's strong suit.

What was Herman Cain's strong suit? When it comes to running for president, nobody knows. There is no rational explanation for the time he spent as the frontrunner. Coming as it did between Perry and Gingrich, you can't even figure the GOP was going in alphabetical order through the Notromneys. Or reverse alphabetical order, for that matter.

Now that he's suspended his campaign, and specifically stated his plan for the future is to get paid to keep saying the stupid shit he said during the campaign, Herman Cain becomes just another voice in the echo chamber, with no real power or chance for power to make what he says worthy of my time. But he left me with a parting gift - a Herman Cain quote even more sublime and rife with potential than "We need a leader, not a reader". You might say, in fact, that Herman Cain's stupid quotes have evolved to their highest possible form. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME, I CHOOSE YOU!

"Let me leave you with this. I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie. The media pointed that out. I'm not sure who the original author is, so don't go write an article about it, but it says a lot about where I am, where I am with my wife and my family, and where we are as a nation. Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There's a mission just for you and me. Just look inside and you will find just what you can do. Just look inside and you will find just what you can do."

First of all, I cannot for the life of me figured out how I missed that Cain had used a quote from POKEMON 2000: THE MOVIE in a GOP debate. in AUGUST. I feel like I've let you all down in that regard. Thank fuck Herman Cain was dumb enough to not only use the quote again in his farewell address, but he actually hung a fucking Pikachu-powered lantern on it so nobody would miss it.

See, back in August, he attributed the first part - "Life can be a challenge... so much on the line" to "a poet". That poet? The long-past-her-prime Donna Summer, who sang those words in "The Power Of One", the official shitty song of the second Pokemon movie. The media discovered who that poet was, but for some inexplicable reason*, CAIN QUOTES POKEMON was not the banner headline on every news site on the planet for weeks afterward.

But it's not just the Pokemon quote. It's the whole thing. First he rambles on a bit, talking about "The Pokemon Movie" like a clueless uncle from, well, 2000. Then he tries to pretend there's an "original author" for the quote, which he doesn't know, even though when the media pointed this fact out, the media pointed out there was no previous author, it was just a damn Pokemon song. Then he's all, "don't bother writing an article about it".

It's like one last, final "fuck it" to the whole process of running for President. He took, arguably, the single most ridiculous thing he did while running for President, did it again, and made damn sure everyone noticed, then acted like we shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I don't know if that's stupid, or a genius level of stupidity that would make him the idiot savant of idiocy.

And the best part? It was just, JUST on that line Herman Cain walked throughout his entire campaign, where you wonder if the whole thing is an act. I'm firmly convinced that it wasn't, but a couple more inches and I'd be arguing the exact opposite, but he never blinked, never winked. Never told us that, thanks to what he learned from Bulbasaur, that on Cainsolutions.com (his new website that will take the place of running for president, because websites can't cheat on their wives) he'd be promoting his new Vine Vine Vine tax plan.

I swear, I feel like I need to train. Months of making fun of Herman Cain has left me as soft and as flabby as a Godfather's pizza crust. And now I've got Newt Gingrich as the frontrunner, presumably Romney as still the eventual nominee, and another eleven goddamned months before the general election. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough time, but I don't have the facts to back that up.

*That reason being my failure to secure control of the media.