Archive - Nov 2011

November 23rd

It's Howdy Newty Time

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Memo to Newt Gingrich, Newt Gingrich, and Newt Gingrich: YOU ARE DUMB.

Newt Gingrich is now the frontrunner, because there are only two Republican candidates the Republican voters haven't paid any attention to yet, and they're never going to pay attention to Jon Huntsman. Now, Newt Gingrich is a very different kind of idiot than Herman Cain. Cain is a moron - the true heir to the anti-intellectual tradition that gave us Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin. Gingrich is just a venal little shithead.

When people say they hate "politicians", Newt Gingrich is the kind of politician they hate. He's opportunistic, money-grubbing, hypocritical, and under all that, promotes some truly reprehensible ideas. Which is why he's the IDIOT who SAYS all THE DAMNDEST THINGS this week.

"It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in, first of all, child laws, which are truly stupid... Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising." - Gingrich, inexplicably at Harvard.

Yes, those pesky child labor laws, keeping us from replacing our unionized, luxury janitors with minimum-wage poor kids pushing mops. I'm pretty sure that was the model the orphanage in "Annie" worked on, and since that's basically the model for laissez-faire capitalism, let's adopt it all across these United States! Gingrich! Gingrich!

Well, OK. Not across the entire United States. I mean, that's not what Gingrich is proposing. Let's just do it in the poorest neighborhoods. Any thriving suburbs that still remain can keep paying people sort of maybe a living wage to unclog poop-filled toilets. And wealthy private schools won't be outsourcing the vomit patrol to the Gingrich grandchildren anytime soon. But for poor pre-teens, mop-slinging can let them begin the process of rising, while making sure they're tired enough to not learn anything they can use to rise beyond janitor.

"I’m not suggesting that they drop out of school and become janitors, I’m talking about working 20 hours a week and being empowered to succeed." - Gingrich, explaining to the Washington Post that he's not a monster.

This, by the way, was called "clarifying his remarks", as if his remarks were unclear in the first place, and as if this actually clarified them. But his remarks said that the laws that keep schools from replacing adult union janitors with cheap child labor from poor neighborhoods were "stupid". That's clear. Wrong, but clear as a fucking bell.

But it's OK, because they wouldn't be dropping out of school. They'd be learning things. One of the things I left out of the earlier quote, because it wasn't as widely reported, is that he said kids in poor neighborhoods should have janitor jobs because it will teach them to show up on a Monday. Which is just more "poor people are lazy" bullshit from the right. I'm damn sure Newt's childhood paper route isn't what taught him to take millions of dollars lobbying for firms and then lying about it later.

"The Congressional Budget Office is a reactionary socialist institution which does not believe in economic growth, does not believe in innovation and does not believe in data that it has not internally generated." - Gingrich, to CNN Money.

Now, just because Newt Gingrich isn't as stupid as Herman Cain doesn't mean he isn't stupid. Look at that word salad. "Reactionary socialist"? The only political spectrum you'll find that on is in the ravings of people who make up terms for things they don't like by stringing together words Frank Luntz told them had strong negative reactions in focus groups.

And this isn't the Black Panthers he's talking about here - it's the fucking CBO, which has a role as a data referee in legislative matters. When the CBO says how much something will cost or save, those are the numbers generally accepted by society at large, or at least they were. Like all the other referees that served to keep people from just MAKING SHIT UP, the CBO comes under attack from people like Gingrich who need to make shit up.

"Made Up Shit", by the way, is what Newtie meant by "data" above. If the CBO doesn't accept some Heritage Foundation rectal numerology, well, there must be something wrong with them, and therefore they're clearly a bunch of reactionary socialists pedophile twilights. Sorry. Frank Luntz doesn't send me his dictionary, so I had to wing it on "things universally hated by society".