Archive - Nov 2011

November 1st

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Memo to the Kardashian-Humphries Marriage: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

OK. We're gonna fucking do this. Really. I can handle it. I've handled Sarah Palin. I've handled Herman Cain. I've handled four years of the Bush presidency. I've handled a guy who tried to set ice cream on fire, for fuck's sake. Surely I can look at Kim KardashOH DEAR GOD THE ABYSS IS STARING BACK AT ME AND IT HAS A HUGE ASS.

I'd be more pissed off about the 72-day tragedy that was the Kardashian-Humphries nuptials, but, well, I'm straight. If I were gay, and staging a $10 million dollar, real wedding so that a basic cable show could get a bump in the ratings was perfectly legal while my own wedding was against the law? I would burn some shit down. I wonder if the divorce is as staged as the wedding was. I mean, it's not like they could have gotten an annulment. Neither of them can pronounce "consummate" and at least one of them is convinced that it means soup.

I don't even share the common issue with the Kardashians, that they're rich and famous despite not doing anything or having any talents. I would get more incensed about that kind of thing, but I watched game shows in the 70s. And, you know, Survivor started eleven years ago. I've had over a decade to get used to reality-show fame-whores as a generic concept.

That's not to say the Kardashians aren't worthless bags of protoplasm, sucking up the Earth's resources at a wildly disproportionate ratio to what they'll eventually contribute in fertilizer. But let's face it - how many lives can these people actually ruin, compared to a Bryan Fischer or a Marcus Bachmann? We can all laugh freely at the Kardashian misery and general life-ineptitude, because it's largely harmless. If the stupid fucks who follow the exploits of the various Jennerspawn didn't have this to fixate on, it's not like they'd be spending their time writing operas and curing herpes.

And ten million fucking dollars! I'm not saying the money should have gone to feed homeless people or something - I'm sure most of that money came out of the production budget of a low-rent basic cable network - but jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, how many seasons of "Louie" could that money have financed? And at least the desperate sadness in "Louie" is mostly fictional.

And hey, while we're talking about money and sadness, let's check in with Sharon Sacks, who had the enviable job of figuring out how, exactly, to spend ten million dollars on one fucking wedding. ACTUAL WEDDING PLANNER TIME!

"This takes a lot of courage and I'm very proud that they were able to make this difficult decision. They were a joy to work with. What we created together was absolutely amazing, so unique and so special. My heart goes out to both of them."

I'll give her two adjectives. Unique and special. The rest of it is a screaming pile of bullshit from a woman who spent more on shoes and flowers than entire small cities spend on social services in a year, but the wedding/marriage/divorce thing? Definitely special, and, I hope, unique. I mean, I reserve my hyperbolic "death of civilization" talk to things that could actually kill civilization, but there's no denying that way too many of us are crying with them today, and not nearly enough of us are laughing at them.