You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Nov 8, 2011
Memo to Mississippi: I ALMOST DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU.
Today, the state of Mississippi votes on its personhood amendment. And if I were just a little less cynical, I'd be rooting for it to succeed.
Mississippi's personhood amendment is not the first to be up for a vote, but it is the first that's really close to possibly passing. If you're unfamiliar with the term, a "personhood amendment" is an amendment to a state constitution that declares that, from the moment of conception, a fertilized egg is a person, with all the rights of a person.
You can see what this is all about. This is a direct challenge to Roe V. Wade by the forced-pregnancy and blastula-fetishist movement. This would outlaw abortion due to rape and incest, and probably force women to claim self-defense to get an abortion to save their own life.
Of course, it would also fuck with all kinds of other things. It'd fuck with birth control, it'd fuck with in vitro fertilization, it'd fuck with miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. It could even fuck with tax law and voting districts. And all so that we can go back to punishing women for having sex.
Now, as a smart person, there are few greater joys on earth than warning someone of unintended consequences, having your warning ignored, then watching as the consequences bounce, one by one, off the thick, impenetrable skull of the idiot who didn't realize how badly they were fucking up.
And if I thought, for one second, that that's what'd happen in Mississippi, I'd be rooting for the Jesus-freaks and the women-haters and the inbred pigfucking illiterate swamp morons to win the day. Then Mississippi could go to a whole other circle of hell, and we'd all laugh at it, and they'd undo the personhood amendment, and the very idea of personhood amendments would be forever vilified.
But that's not what's going to happen, because people are lying fuckholes, and if overwhelming evidence of the incredible harm caused by a short-sighted, ideologically-driven policy were enough to change that policy, then we'd be doing something about global warming, wouldn't we?
If the personhood amendment passes, here's what'll happen. Mississippi will enter a legal nightmare. Things will be much worse for women there. And these stories will be under-reported by the regular media, ignored by the right-wing media, and the negative effects of the amendment will be denied by the embryo-humpers who will hail Mississippi as a paradise for innocent cellular souls.
And then other states will follow its lead, because the only type of evidence these people understand is evidence that they can get away with something. That's what happened with Arizona's papers-for-brown-people law, and there's no reason to think Mississippi's law will be any different.
So I hope this amendment dies in the womb, and if it passes, maybe we can lobby for a federal program to help the political prisoners of the Deep South, by which I mean every single fertile woman in Mississippi, seek asylum in one of the 49 slightly less oppressive states.