Archive - Nov 4, 2011

The Real Reason

Memo to David Williams, Phil Mitsch, Larry Taylor, and the corpse of James Forrester: THAT'S WHY.

Republican minority outreach is always a fascinating thing. It generally takes the form that most members of Minority X vote for Democrats because they're mindless, brainwashed sheep who are told they should. For example, Ann Coulter's latest attempt to remain relevant this week, with her "our blacks are better than their blacks" statement.

I have a slightly different theory. My theory is that a lot of minorities don't vote for Republicans because Republicans are, by and large, a bunch of old white unreconstructed bigots who, unless they guard their speech every second of every day, will eventually say something bad about a minority. Gays, women, Jews, hell, even Hindus can, at any given moment, be the brunt of a Republican judgment lapse, and there's nothing GOProud can do about it. Not even on SPASTIC TOPID MONKEY FRIDAY.

In Kentucky, for example, GOP gubernatorial candidate David Williams thought he had a solid line of attack on his opponent, Steve Beshear, who participated in a Hindu ceremony held by a private business at a groundbreaking. And he took that line with gusto, saying:

"To get down and get involved and participate in prayers to these polytheistic situations, where you have these Hindu gods that they are praying to, doesn’t appear to me to be in line with what a governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky ought to be doing."

There you have it. No governor of Kentucky should pray to polytheistic situations.* Which strongly implies, by the way, that no governor of Kentucky should EVER BE A HINDU. In the face of the predictable backlash, Williams clarified! Again, with gusto!

"To be clear, I very much support economic development and strongly believe in freedom of religion... But for him to engage and participate in a Hindu religious ceremony where prayers are being offered to gods in which he does not believe is not only disrespectful of Hinduism but stands in direct opposition to his own expressed Christian faith which recognizes but one God. It also flies in the face of his previous record of stamping out religious displays in governmental settings, which all happened to be Christian in nature."

That's not really supporting economic development or believing in freedom of religion. That's also not comprehending the difference between private religious ceremonies and governmental displays of religion. Also, you know why all the governmental displays "happened to be" Christian, right? It's not a fucking coincidence. It's the same reason you don't work on Sundays and get Easter off, too. Dipshit.

The place? Twitter. The account? That of New Jersey Senate candidate Phil Mitsch. The tweet? Pure Jersey class.

"Women, you increase your odds of keeping your men by being faithful, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom."

Now, there's no denying this is an old adage, something Mitsch tried to use as his reason for not apologizing. But it's also an incredibly sexist one. Also, he tried to claim it was OK because he also said "stud in the bedroom", which is not and never has been a thing that people said, because men aren't subjected to a cultural double standard where they're forced to pretend they never stick their penis in things.** So he apologizedish.

"Don’t nitpick, don’t try to Jew them down. That’s probably a bad term." - Larry Taylor, Texas state representative.


He apologized later for "inadvertently" using the word "Jew", but for fuck's sake, it's 2011. If you can't stop yourself from saying "Jew them down", stay the fuck out of politics. Even Texas politics.

And finally, let's mark the passing of North Carolina senator James Forrester, homophobic shithead. My condolences go out to the Forrester family for the loss of your bigoted fucking patriarch, who died before I had a chance to properly mock him for one of the last things he said on the North Carolina Senate floor. ACTUAL POSTHUMOUS QUOTE TIME!

"I’ve got a few homosexual patients and I treat them just the same as anybody else. I love them perhaps even more because I know they are going to die at least 20 years earlier and it’s something I have no control over and we need to reach out to them to try to get them to change their lifestyle and back to the normal lifestyle which we can accept."

Forrester was 74. Incidentally, male life expectancy in the United States in 2010 is 75.5, which means that James Forrester died a year and a half earlier. Which means, using Forrester's logic and my math, that out of every thousand times he had sex, we can estimate that 75 of those times were with dudes.

*Polytheistic Situations is, of course, the name of my Polyphonic Spree cover band.

**Eighty percent "penis" reduction in 24 hours! On a related note, I'm lousy at writing spam e-mail subjects.