Archive - Nov 30, 2011

Razing Cain

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Memo to Black Allnuts Times Three: YOU ARE DUMB, BUT I WILL MISS YOU.

It's almost over, folks. Herman Cain is "reassessing" his run for the Presidency, in the wake of Ginger White coming forward and saying she's spent the last thirteen years fucking Herman Cain on the side. If it's true, it's devastating to the Cain campaign, because he'll have to cede the "family values" issue to Newt Gingrich. It's devastating for society, because a 13-year consensual relationship will have accomplished what four or five accusations of non-consensual behavior couldn't.

It's bad for racial stereotypes, because for fuck's sake, her name is GINGER WHITE. You know that's gonna hurt Cain with the, shall we say, "Southern Republican base voters". And it's bad for comedy, because if you take "he's running for President, no, really" away from Herman Cain, all that's left is a much less interesting ex-CEO who says stupid shit a lot. So while we still can, let's give Herman Cain all the slots in IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS that he's earned, shall we?

"How you beat Obama? Beat him with a Cain!" - Herman Cain, at a campaign stop in Michigan, having his latest GRAMPA NO moment.

It's right after Thanksgiving, so I assume we're all up to speed on GRAMPA NO moments, yes? It doesn't have to be your grampa. It can be any older relative whose thought processes haven't kept up with social progress, who say things like "I'm fine with queers, but I don't know how they can take it in the butt all the time", and you wince, and you say GRAMPA NO, and they ask "What?", and you try to explain, and then you give up, and then you start counting down to the next family get-together.

Because if you didn't cringe at "Beat him with a Cain", whether from the violent undertones, the hints of allusion to slavery, or just the decision to go with an awful fucking pun at this point in his political career, then something's wrong with your cringing box, and you should get that looked at. I've cringed half a dozen times just trying to write these paragraphs. GAH.

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is. Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza. - Herman Cain, fuckin' around during a GQ interview.

There was a time when I might have given Herman Cain a pass on his outmoded, jokey attitude toward masculinity, its alleged relationship with meat consumption, and the homoerotic effects of putting green peppers on your pizza. Not because those things deserve a pass, but simply because Herman Cain's stupidity pizza is also not afraid of abundance.

But this is a man who allegedly tried to force one woman's head into blowjob position in a "one job deserves another" trade, and apparently spent his entire tenure at the National Restaurant Association on a never-ending hunt for piles of lady-meat that was, in at least one case, very successful. So I'm gonna say what Ginger White said. Fuck that guy. And fuck his sub-par pizza piled high with "manly" low-grade processed meat products. And fuck his retrograde use of the word "sissy".

"We need a leader, not a reader." - Actually Herman Motherfucking Cain, actually saying those actual words, at an actual, honest-to-goodness, holy fucking mother of shit campaign stop in Nashua, I Shit You Not, New Hampshire.

See, here's the thing. The instant Herman Cain stops running for President is the instant I stop being interested in Herman Cain, because that's how Sarah Palin worked, and Herman Cain is just Sarah Palin with a longer alleged extramarital affair. When Herman Cain is being paid handsomely by some organization to walk around and say stupid shit, his stupid shit becomes a schtick, not his means of convincing America that he should lead the free world.

And yeah, I know you could make the argument that the Koch brothers are just paying Cain to say stupid shit under the guise of running for President, but I truly believe we need to pay close attention to any crazy shit anyone running for President says. Except for Ron Paul, who can't actually be President because they'd find out he's secretly the Balok puppet from the closing credits of OG Trek.*

The point is, if Herman Cain leaves the race in the next week, I want my last word on the subject to be me, standing in open-jawed wonder, at the pinnacle of Republican anti-intellectualism. Herman Cain, proudly touting the fact that he doesn't know shit, before a cheering crowd in New Hampshire who came out to see him because they don't even know what the phrase "don't know shit" means, telling them that we need a leader, not a reader.

I've spent nearly seven years writing You Are Dumb. This is why.

*Search your Google images. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.