Archive - Nov 18, 2011

A Little Bit Frightening

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Memo to a shitload of folks: YOU ARE DUMB.

Right! Backlog-clearing time. Time to rock from the bottom and go back to the top and be snide 'till I stop and turn and I make jokes and write till I get through the morons and I'll see you again. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY: LIGHTNING ROUND!

In North Carolina, Reverend Johnny Hunter helped to promote the state's proposed anti-gay-marriage constitutional amendment by inserting a key into a lock to show how proper sexual consummation works. Reporters attending the event finally understood why Mrs. Hunter's affectionate nickname for Johnny is "Mailbox".

Back in September, a Chicago woman died after apparently trying to perform cosmetic surgery on herself - injecting hot beef fat around her lips and chin. While the event was a tragedy, it did give Bravo executives the inspiration they needed to finally combine the runaway successes of Real Housewives and Top Chef.

Hey, remember the BP oil spill? Well, the investigation's over, and it turns out that a bunch of short-sighted cost-cutting measures led to several deaths and monumental environmental damage nobody cares about because Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are divorcing and WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE KIDS? I bet the kids won't get covered in crude oil.

Steve King is still America's stupidest congresscritter. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We can't have a nation of slackers and then have me have to sit in the Judiciary Committee listening to them argue that there's work that Americans won't do, so we have to import people to do the work that Americans won't do, and borrow money to pay the welfare of people that won't work. That is a foolish thing for a nation to do. We've gotta get this country back to work and get those people out of the slacker rolls and onto the employed rolls.

I have a question. What the fuck does Steve King actually do to receive the checks full of borrowed government money he receives? As far as I can tell, all he does is vote "yes" on stupid bills that don't stand a chance of passing, raise funds for re-election, and go around saying stupid shit all the time. Maybe we should start a new work-study pilot program for members of Congress, starting with King. Put them in a series of real-world jobs and see how long they fucking last behind a McDonald's grill, or picking vegetables, or stocking shelves, or, hell, eight hours of light filing. Let's see how well Steve King knows the FUCKING ALPHABET without an intern there to tell him that R comes after Q.

I can clear eight different items off the research pile with a single sentence. JOE ARPAIO ISN'T GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION THIS YEAR. Boom. Done.

Few things in this world are more deeply telling than the conservative religious pro-bullying movement. Or, should I say, anti-anti-bullying movement. Basically, because of all the anti-gay bullying leading to gay kids killing themselves, governments and schools are trying to crack down on the behavior. And the bigoted Christian right is trying to stop schools from stopping Christians from openly expressing their contempt and hate for gay people. And oh, the logical pretzels they need to twist themselves into to do it. Here's Robert Newman, head of the California Christian Coalition.

"Now, with respect to the issue that you’ve addressed, there’s always bullying against people who don’t fit the norm. Its part of growing up, it’s part of maturing... I hardly think that bullying is a real issue in schools... As somebody does with the intellectual, or the teacher’s pet, or somebody who is physically impaired or deviant in some way. It does happen, it’s part of the maturational process of which the authority figures, I should probably refer to them as role models, then help children realize that that’s not okay. But there’s no reason to have a special bill for say three percent of the population, period."

I spent a bunch of time trying figure out how the head of the California Christian Coalition learned about the life experiences of intellectuals, until I realized that Revenge of the Nerds is on instant streaming.

And finally, a theater in Utah got fined for showing The Hangover, Part II. And while it does demonstrate that, as states go, Utah is pretty fucking repressive, it turns out it was the result of the theater also being a bar, and strip club laws prohibiting alcohol and nudity under the same roof. And according to either the Associated Press or Utah policeman Dennis Baird - the attribution is very unclear in the AP article - the movie features "full-frontal nudity from male, female and transvestite characters".

But here's the thing. I don't care whether the character is a transvestite or not. Once they are full frontally nude, it's either male nudity or female nudity. "Transvestite nudity" is at least as much of an oxymoron as "tolerant Utah".