Archive - Oct 7, 2011

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Robots Without Lasers Are Just Vacuum Cleaners With Eyes

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Memo to Real Steel, nerds, and Liberty University: YOU ARE DUMB.

This Spastic Topic Monkey Friday is a pure, unadulterated, classic Spastic Topic Monkey Friday. The three items are so diverse, so utterly unconnected, that I've had to resort to an introduction that's completely self-referential just to provide the right number of words needed to establish the correct rhythm for leading into SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

One more sign we're living in a Mehtopia: REAL STEEL.

Wait, I only used the term in one column, and it didn't actually catch fire in neological circles. A Mehtopia is what you get when the utopian aspects of society, like the NBA Jam announcer and "Parks and Recreation", are almost perfectly canceled out by the dystopian aspects of society, like rampaging New York City cop supervisors and Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star.

"Real Steel" is the perfect mehtopian movie. Because finally, a filmmaker has taken the powerful CGI available to modern blockbuster cinema, and applied it to a movie where giant robots fight each other. Something that has never, ever, ever been done before now, and if you fucking dare to cite the Transformers movies as a counter-example, you're dead to me. We all know those don't count, and we all know why.

So, robots finally fighting each other in movies, yay! But the robots are fighting each other by BOXING, the lamest of all forms of fighting. I'd rather watch Robot Debate Team than robots boxing each other. You want to make a movie about robot pro wrestling? I'll be there on opening day, and I'll even conveniently "forget" you ripped off a Futurama episode. Robot Mixed Martial Arts? Sure. Hell, a robot martial arts tournament like the one in Karate Kid would be fine, although clearly, one like Bloodsport would be much more awesome.

And, of course, a movie where robots actually made war against each other with guns and bombs and lasers would be just dandy. But not boxing. Because boxing movies are never about boxing. They're about boxers. They're about the life of Rocky Balboa, or Cinderella Man, or whatever Christian Bale's name was in The Fighter. They're not really about the boxing, because by being about the people, they can win Oscars. But once you put robots in your movie, you're out of the Oscar running anyway. So put some fucking lasers and buzz-saws and robohurricanranas in the fucking thing already.


It's been a while since I've properly talked about nerds, and nerd nomenclature. For the record, I don't care if you call them nerds, geeks, dorks, dweebs, whatever. Doesn't matter. Whatever you call them, they come in two flavors. Nerds, and Nerds Who Ruin Shit.

The bad nerds are the nerds who ruin shit. How can you tell if a nerd is bad? It's easy. If there's a nerd who likes the same thing you do, and watching him like the thing you do makes you want to like the thing less? That's a nerd who ruins shit. They enjoy things in such an irritating and creepy fashion that you question your own enjoyment of the same things just by association.

I'm reminding you of all this because one of the things that I like is Apple stuff. Which means I need to see a LOT fewer stories about impromptu shrines and memorials being set up in front of Apple Stores. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Also, apparently everyone is going out and buying black turtlenecks, and you should probably cut that out too. It's just tacky.


And finally, just because you might have forgotten what we're up against, did you know Liberty University has a law school? With law professors? I'm not saying "real" law school with "real" law professors, because a while back, down near the new bottom of my research pile, a couple of them had a conversation during some audio broadcasty thing called "Faith and Freedom", and it went a little something like this.

"Part of the homosexual activist movement for instance is GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network, they partner with the National Education Association and create a curriculum that seeks to indoctrinate children into the idea that homosexuality is normal, natural and good. This sexualizes children and aren’t they really running interference for the pedophile movement here? By sexualizing these children, making them receptive to potential advances from adults?" - Matt Barber, Liberty University "School" of "Law".

"Well yes of course Matt, that’s the whole point of the objective of the activity. And I don’t distinguish them, this is all part of the pedophile movement. We know that pedophilia, which was the original Greek they say it’s ‘love of’ but of course it isn’t, it’s ‘lust for’ boys. And there’s a strong, clear, cross-cultural, historical reality, people don’t want to do deal with, but the propaganda has been loud and strong to deny the fact, the aim of homosexual males and now increasingly females is not to have sex with other old guys and get married but to obtain sex with as many boys as possible. That’s the reality. I wish it weren’t, but it is." - Judith Reisman, visiting law "professor", Liberty "University".

Since it's Friday, I'll just let you soak in the majority of the crazy on your own, and merely point out that according to an alleged law professor, the increasing aim of homosexual females is to obtain sex with as many boys as possible. I guess we should stop calling them lesbians, and start calling them moreboyans, am I right? Well, in my defense, I could still be completely and utterly wrong and still manage to be more right than these two crazy-ass wingnuts. Who probably have tenure.