You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Oct 6, 2011
Memo to Herman Cain: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
This is just getting fucking ridiculous. I mean, I freely admit that my anger, as represented in this space, is not always a 1:1 match with my actual emotional state. But nobody can actually be as angry as I am here all the time. It's unhealthy. Bad for the blood pressure and the mental stability. But if you want to know what really, truly, pisses me off, then walk with me through a Herman Cain quote from an interview that Herman Cain did with the Wall Street Journal yesterday. In detail. Painstaking detail. And you will know what brings the rage*.
ACTUAL! QUOTE! MOTHERFUCKING! TIME!
"I don’t have facts to back this up, but..."
Let's just stop right there, Captain Pepperoni. Is this where we are, now? Is this the enduring legacy of Dubya and Palin and Bachmann and decades of coordinated GOP anti-intellectualism? All so that some low-grade chain-pizza-slinging asshole can run for president and start an entire paragraph with the phrase "I don't have the facts to back this up"?
If you don't have the facts to back it up, WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO YOU. If you know you don't have the facts to back it up, and say it anyway, and admit openly that you're pulling it out of your stuffed-crust ass, WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO YOU. Why doesn't the reporter for the Wall Street Journal, after the word "up", say "That's a shame", stop the interview, tell the world Herman Cain's a fuckwit, and go home for the first time in his life with a smile on his face, telling his family that finally, Daddy is proud of what he does for a living? He doesn't have the facts to back this up, BUT? It hardly even matters what he doesn't have the facts to back up at this point, but what the hell.
The context, by the way, was making fun of the Occupy Wall Street movement, which has managed to grow and thrive into an actual credible protest despite the best efforts by both the media and the original organizers of the action to make it seem ridiculous. And speaking of ridiculous:
"...but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration."
Well, you also believe Jesus had superpowers, Godfather's Pizza is a thriving national chain with delicious food, and you stand a chance in hell of winning the nomination. And you don't have the fucking facts to back any of THOSE up either, do you?
Also, that makes no sense. The only economic policy of the Obama administration that failed was the stimulus, to the extent that it failed at all. The stimulus did actually make things better, but you wouldn't know that, because there are facts to back that up. It didn't make things better enough by a long shot, but the Occupy Wall Street protests aren't about who didn't fix it, they're about who first broke it, then continued to rake in billions of dollars despite having ruined the economy. All of which happened before Obama even took office.
But they're starting to be taken seriously, growing in numbers, growing in visibility, so what the fuck, just throw out there that they're a politically-sponsored, top-down AstroTurf movement designed to distract from the epic failings of a particular political party. Who gave you that idea, Herman? And how many tri-corner hats do they own?
But wait, there's more!
"Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!"
Yes! If everyone just applied themselves the way Herman Cain did, we'd all be the CEOs of our own companies and everyone would have a job! Sure, we'd all run out of food, toilet paper, and electricity if everyone spent all day in meetings, playing golf, and giving themselves raises and bonuses instead of making things and growing things, but that's OK, because everyone would be rich because they followed Herman Cain's somehow even more retarded version of Oprah's "Secret".
Which he then undercuts by admitting that the banks did in fact cause the economic collapse, by the way.
"They [the banks] did have something to do with the crisis that we went into in 2008. But we're not in 2008, we're in 2011, OK! Yes, they had a big part to do with it. And obviously, you can go back and say, 'What did the banks do to do this?'"
Apparently, in Herman Cain's world, the statute of limitations on a near-collapse of the global economy is however long it was since the banks lost and/or stole all of our money, and the inauguration of Barack Obama. Everything since then is the fault of a bunch of people too damn lazy to be rich.
"These demonstrations, I honestly don't understand what they're looking for.
Please, Herman. If we start listing all the things you honestly don't understand, we'll be here all night. Anyway, you just explained what they're looking for. Some fucking accountability for the financial industry for fucking everything up three years ago, which even you agree they did. And which, according to those pesky facts, nobody actually got in any trouble for. Well, except for a bunch of tellers who lost their jobs because they weren't industrious enough to pretend they knew how to manage a hedge fund.
"To me they come across more as anti-capitalism. That's basically what it comes across as.
Well, yes. That's like being dismissive of Elie Wiesel because he "came across more as anti-Nazi". The reason the current economic situation is shit is because the current economic situation is the product of a bunch of assholes. The assholes who gambled all our money, lost it, got it back for free from the government, then kept it all for themselves. The assholes who insist that the only way back to prosperity is for poor people to die outside hospitals and grannies to get by on off-brand Fancy Feast from Big Lots. If being anti-asshole is being anti-capitalist, then I'm fine with that.
"When I was growing up..."
Oh, for fuck's sake. It's Bad Analogy Homily Time!
"When I was growing up, I was blessed to have parents that didn't teach me to be jealous of anybody, and didn't teach me to be envious of somebody."
That's because they knew you were a fucking idiot, and you'd be jealous and envious of anyone with a three-digit IQ. Blessed, indeed.
"It is not a person's fault because they succeeded, it is a person's fault if they failed. And so this is why I don't understand those demonstrations and what is it that they're looking for.
Nice of him to end on a barely parse-able, grammatically-iffy note. But if I'm getting the gist of it, Herman Fucking Cain, a man who owes his entire position in life to an army of cheese-sprinkling, non-union minimum wage workers, that if people didn't spend all day huddled under rich people's windows, they wouldn't get piss all over them when the chamberpots got emptied.
Well, let me make this clear. I can't speak for the Occupy Wall Street people or what they're looking for, but I certainly hope they're looking for some tarring, some feathering, and a rail that hasn't decayed due to decades of criminal underfunding of vital infrastructure so we can give more tax breaks to the people that desperately need to be ridden out of town on it.
So, yeah. If Cain had somehow managed to work in a 6,000-year-old Earth, some homophobia, and having to wait another week for iOS5, he'd have hit pretty much every remaining rage-trigger I have in my brain these days. But hey, the campaign's still young.
* Not what brings the Rage. That's a trip to Beast Buy tomorrow. For some reason, the idea of a post-apocalyptic wasteland sounds like a lovely way to spend a weekend.