Archive - Oct 21, 2011
Just To Make It Today
21 October, 2011 - 19:39 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Libya Observers, MC Hammer, and Curry Todd: YOU ARE DUMB.
Let me state right off the bat that it is a very, very bad idea to get your news from You Are Dumb Dot Net. While it's certainly possible to hear about certain things for the first time in this space, I'm rarely topical, everything here is on around a twelve hour delay from writing to when most of you will read it, and I rarely cover more than three different topics in about ten minutes. Basically, I'm the equivalent of the CBS Evening News circa 1977, only I get to say "cockmonkey" and everything I tell you blew up on Twitter sometime between 18 hours and two months ago. That said, expect this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY to be more topical than usual.
Obviously, the hot topic on everyone's mind is the death of Moammar Gaddafi. It's an important milestone on a number of levels. It's the latest in a series of high-profile victory-deaths in the region for Barack Obama, who managed this feat by starting a seven-month air war he knew nobody would bother paying attention to. Still better than Dubya, but there's definitely an upward creep in involvement levels here.
Second, of course, it means we're about six weeks away from the final, blessed death of any and all conversations about the fact that the man's name is spelled with letters we don't have in English. For nearly four decades, America has been obsessed with the fact that his name starts with something close enough to a G, Q, K, or Kh that any of them could be used, but not close enough that one of them is consistently used. Well, in six weeks or so, his name will be out of the public discourse forever, and everyone will finally shut the fuck up about it and do what we should have done years ago - just spell it however Wikipedia does.
On a related note, if Jeffrey Ross dresses up like you at the next Comedy Central roast, get your affairs in order. I know that nine times out of ten, that'll only apply to the best man at a wedding in 1987, but it's never too early to get a Jeffrey Ross Curse meme started.
In other epic fails from people who were famous a few decades ago news, MC Hammer is fronting for a new search engine. Keep in mind that the only people stupid enough to try this in the last five years were the folks at Microsoft, and they're only turning a profit because the number of people who can't change their Windows 7 default settings is large enough to appeal to advertisers.
MC Hammer is not large enough to appeal to advertisers. Fuck, MC Hammer's pants closet isn't big enough to appeal to advertisers. But that's OK, because his new search engine is Wiredoo. And it has a can't-fail business plan.
No, the can't-fail business plan is to emphasize what they're calling "relationship search". Because while that's what's in their press release, that's not what's in their business plan. My guess is their business plan is to pocket the $10 million or so I suspect Netflix paid them to ensure that "Qwikster" wasn't the worst tech name or tech company move of the year 2011. If that was your secret mission, Wiredoo, then mission accomplished.
And finally, a moment of silence for the brief non-laughingstock career of Tennessee state legislator Curry Todd. As a state legislator, Todd's intellect was already suspect - as a state legislator from Tennessee, he should get a round of applause every time he puts his underwear on with the pee-hole in the front. Anyway, Todd just stepped down from his committee chairmanship due to excessive irony.
See, Todd was spearheading a classic NRA style law that would make it legal to bring your loaded gun into a bar, because nothing says "freedom" like doing shots while you're doing shots. His efforts will, I hope, be largely discredited by his recent DUI arrest, where he was caught drunk, driving, and with a loaded .38 next to the driver's seat. It's like he put his law on wheels and sent it careening back and forth down the road 20 miles over the speed limit.
This being Tennessee, he didn't actually have to resign from the Legislature, and only stepped down from the committee that oversees all the alcohol-related laws in the state "until this matter is resolved". I just hope that part of resolving the matter involves installing a Breathalyzer on the front door of the Tennessee capitol building. Sure, it'd shut down state government for months, but the first step is admitting they have a problem.