Archive - Jan 7, 2011

Bailiwick, Dammit

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Memo to Bill O'Reilly, the American media, and Steve King: YOU ARE ALMOST PERFECTLY DUMB.

I don't like to admit it, but there's no denying - I have a wheelhouse. I don't like to admit it for two reasons - first, I want to punch the phrase "in my wheelhouse" right in the wheelhouse's nuts, and avidly campaign instead for the use of "bailiwick". And second, advertising the contents of my bailiwick would make it even easier for some people to say or do things just to get me to write about them.,/p>

Now, my utter lack of fame should keep this from happening. But events of the past 48 hours make me wonder. There have been so many things pitched right at my bailiwick that I question their legitimacy. And yet, how can I truly resist? Especially on SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY?

I mean, we're gonna talk about Bill O'Reilly. There's no fucking way we can't talk about Bill O'Reilly. On the Factor, on Tuesday, Bill got into it with an atheist. David Silverman, president of the American Atheist Group. And O'Reilly presented an argument for God so utterly convincing that Richard Dawkins started speaking in tongues and holding up snakes. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I'll tell you why [religion's] not a scam, in my opinion: tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that. See, the water, the tide comes in and it goes out, Mr. Silverman. It always comes in, and always goes out. You can't explain that."

OK, here's the thing. I know Bill O'Reilly is stupid. That's a given. But is he that stupid? I think he must be, because NOBODY'S THAT STUPID. I know that seems counterintuitive, but bear with me.

I've seen just about every dumbass argument that supposedly proves the existence of God that's ever been. I've seen every argument against evolution, an old Earth, science, whatever. And I have never seen anyone dispute that the moon causes the tides. Never. It's not part of the discussion, it's not part of the lexicon. The only thing I've ever seen is the Insane Clown Posse song, Miracles, with the now famous line "Fucking magnets! How do they work!"

It's just a random bit of utter ignorance. Which is why it strikes me as genuine. I anxiously await Bill's explanation, now that his brainfart is making the rounds. Maybe he'll do it live!


Michelle Bachmann is not running for President, and if she runs, she's not going to get the nomination.

It doesn't take a genius to figure this out. She's Michelle Bachmann, for fuck's sake. She has a track record. She has a modus operandi. She thinks "modus operandi" is an Italian sports car. Just because the Republican Party is crazier than it's ever been before doesn't mean that the shrinking number of old white rich dudes who really pull the strings are going to let Bachmann be their standard-bearer in 2012.

So why, for the last two days, have I been inundated with news coverage about Bachmann "contemplating" a run for the presidency? When the fuck has Bachmann ever "contemplated" anything? It's an attention-grab. A Republican mulling a run for the presidency doesn't want the job, they just want you to look at them. Newt Gingrich does this all the time, but at least he has a political career to speak of. Michelle Bachmann said "squirrel", and the media reacted like the dog from "Up".

This means, by the way, that the media was outsmarted by Michelle Bachmann. So none of them get to make the obvious joke now that she's been appointed to the House Intelligence Committee.


And then there's Steve King. If the entire world's IQ points doubled overnight, if Glenn Beck became a hippie and Sarah Palin discovered a cure for cancer and Mitch McConnell decided everyone should get that cure for free, paid for by a steep carbon tax and a reinvigorated estate tax, this column would continue, because Steve King lives, breathes, and says shit.

Double his IQ. Go ahead. Triple it. Doesn't matter. Steve King is to stupidity what Darkseid is to villainy. He's the master of the anti-thought equation. You could burn the earth to a cinder, and Steve King would still be there, explaining to the cockroaches that the now-unfettered free market will have things back to normal in about a week.

Yesterday, Steve King went on the floor of the House of Representatives, having managed, like all but two of his colleagues, to actually take his oath of office, and explained to us that health care reform can't possibly be constitutional under the interstate commerce clause because dead babies in garbage cans never cross state lines.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I've used pithy oversimplification to illustrate the true nature of what he said. But not this time.

"There have always been and likely will always be, babies that were born, lived and died within the jurisdictions of the individual states, who never cross a state line, access no health care and therefore do not impact interstate commerce. Therefore, to compel someone who fits that category to buy an insurance policy cannot be defined as within the confines of the interstate commerce clause... I hate to tell you but they show up in garbage cans around this country, sir,"

I swear, if I weren't convinced he was the single dumbest man on Capitol Hill, I'd think he was fucking with me.