Archive - Jan 5, 2011

A Quick Reminder About Who's In Charge

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Memo to Dana Rohrbacher, Spencer Bachus, and Jennifer Roback Morse: YOU ARE DUMB.

Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. This would, you'd think, lead to a direct proportional relationship between power and corruption, but it turns out the actual mathematical formulae describing the relationship are much more complicated. And it turns out that nobody is more corrupt, and more venal, than someone with a little bit of power who is on the cusp of losing that power. What will people do to stay in charge? Well, if they're IDIOTS, they'll SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"And one thing that people don’t talk, and this is the real zinger. … So they go to college, they finish, they get their legal status. Well, if that person happens to be a minority, which many, as we know, illegal aliens are Hispanic in background and other minorities, they then are immediately eligible to all the preferences we have written into our laws. So we’re not only putting them in the line, so to speak, but we’re putting them ahead of every American child who’s not a minority." - Longtime contributor to this space, Dana Rohrbacher, explaining his opposition to the DREAM Act, which didn't get passed during the lame-duck session.

BROWN PEOPLE ARE TAKING STUFF WHITE PEOPLE SHOULD GET.

The DREAM Act is one of those perfectly rational things that wouldn't even be up for debate in a reasonable, sane society. People who are here illegally because their parents brought them here illegally, people who have spent at least the last five years of their lives growing up American, get to be citizens if they spend two years in either the military or in college. Republicans get soldiers to fight their stupid wars, Democrats get college-educated kids to intern on The Daily Show, and everybody's happy. Well, everyone except for the racists.

In Dana Rohrbacher's world, white people deserve to go to college, and minorities only get in because of preferential treatment that bumps all the deserving white kids out of their slots. So any legislation that puts even MORE minorities in college must be a bad thing. Because white people have to stay in charge.

"In Washington, the view is that the banks are to be regulated, and my view is that Washington and the regulators are there to serve the banks." - Alabama congressman Spencer Bachus, the new chair, let me repeat this, THE NEW CHAIR, of the House Financial Services Committee.

OK, first of all, who let someone from Alabama run a financial committee without giving him the test? Count to 100 while fully dressed before we put you in charge of anything involving numbers, please. Second, this quote isn't fair to Bachus. He later clarified his statement, explaining that he misspoke, and that regulators are there to SERVICE the banks. Orally.

They're not so much "regulators" as they are "fluffers", you see. Making sure stock prices and balance sheets stay unnaturally high even when nature and reason demand that they shrivel. Because if bankers aren't allowed to make up trillions of dollars, pocket a few percent of it, then tell the rest of us that, whoops, that money doesn't exist unless the government gives it to us, and then we'll pocket a few percent of that too and hold onto the rest? Then bankers won't stay in charge. And bankers have to stay in charge.

"The rainbow is a sign of God's covenant with man. Proposition 8 was passed by a great grassroots coalition that included people from all across the religious traditions, and also people of every race and color. We are the real rainbow coalition. The gay lobby does not own the rainbow. We can't simply let that go by. Families put rainbows in their children's nurseries. Little Christian preschools will have rainbows... Noah's Ark and all the animals.... Those are great Christian symbols, great Jewish symbols." - Anti-gay Ruth Institute president Jennifer Roback Morse.

The rainbow, you superstitious fuck, is a symbol of PHYSICS. It's a symbol of refraction. It's a symbol of why I can see just barely well enough to be able to read how huge of a fuckhead you are. It's a sign of my retinas' covenant with light.

And no, the gay lobby doesn't own the rainbow. But they get to use it. You can still put rainbows in their nurseries. It won't turn them gay. You can still put rainbows in your Noah's Ark displays, even though the same properties of light that lead to rainbows also prove that the earth is more than 6,000 years old and the Noah's Ark story is a fucking lie. It doesn't make Noah gay. You can go on believing that he spent all that time on his boat only having sex with the girl animals.

But the gay movement still gets to use the rainbow. Which appears to be what you are so adamant about not letting go by. And you don't get to do that. I know you're mad that gay people are getting things. And if gay people get enough things, straight people might not be in charge anymore. And so you fight the bad fight, because straight people need to stay in charge.