Archive - Jan 28, 2011

Taking Care Of Business

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Memo to AlanDeSmet, MBarklage, Ted Haggard, Peter King, John Freshwater, and the Mount Vernon school district: ALL BUT TWO OF YOU ARE DUMB.

The pace of stupidity continues to outstrip my ability to comment on it in a timely fashion. Luckily, I have a safety valve that can release some of the built-up pressure. So enjoy the written equivalent of a 15-year-old pulling up porn on his iPod... SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

First things first. Yesterday, I had a little contest on my Twitter thing. The Twitter minions were tasked with coming up with the comic book sound effect for Tim Pawlenty's apocalyptic handshake from the trailer in yesterday's column. The winner was @AlanDeSmet, whose "Tha-WHOOOM" best captured the two-part, subwoofery sonic boom that apparently happens every time TIMMEH clasps hands with a supporter.

Honorable mention to @MBarklage, whose THUUUNE! was a damn fine pun, but needed some kind of "ka-" or "freeeeow-" prefix to properly encompass the Shake Of Doom. Anyway, if you're not following @youaredumb on Twitter, you're missing out on this. And ten-day stretches where I don't have anything worth summing up in 140 characters or less.


I'm pretty sure, when the Ted Haggard gay sex scandal hit, that I was frustrated by the lack of proper details regarding what actually happened. What confessions Haggard made were couched in shadow and defensiveness, which left little to hook jokes on.

Well, now Ted Haggard has opened up to Gentleman's Fucking Quarterly, of all places, and I think I liked the whole thing better pre-details. Now Haggard thinks he's a "bisexual", which conveniently gives him license to stay with his wife and suppress his male attractions for the sake of monogamy, instead of suppressing them for the sake of being seen as straight. But it's the drug revelation I didn't really want to know, and because I don't want to know, you all get to suffer with me. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Sometimes I'd throw it away. Other times, I'd go someplace and masturbate and use it. But it was for masturbation. And that's one of the reasons why I haven't been real clear. I don't want to stand up publicly and say, 'Hey, I'm a masturbation guy! You know, that's really the core issue here. I bought the drugs to enhance masturbation. Because what crystal meth does--Mike taught me this--crystal meth makes it so you don't ejaculate soon. So you can watch porn and masturbate for a long time."

Good luck getting THAT image out of your head. I know it'll be roaming around in my skull for the rest of my life.

Ted, EVERY guy is a masturbation guy. But very few guys are a "take crystal meth so that you can watch lots and lots of presumably gay porn before needing a tissue and a nap" guy. Congratulations on reinforcing the worst stereotypes about religion-induced sexual hangups, though.


In other old business, I never got around to suitably mocking New York Republican Peter King's response to the Giffords shooting - a proposal to make it illegal to carry a gun within 1,000 feet of an elected official. Even taken on its own, it's the kind of ridiculous, nonsensical "gun control" that liberals are routinely blamed for.

But now that we know Giffords' shooter did fairly extensive research on the penalties he'd face before going through with it, King's idea is even more ridiculous. "Oh, shit! How am I going to assassinate a Congressman if I can't bring a gun within 1,000 feet of one! I will have to gnaw on them in the hopes of eventually reaching an artery!"


And in some other old business, eighteen months after his case came to my attention, Mount Vernon "science teacher" John Freshwater has been fired. For proselytizing Christianity in class and leaving religious books on his desk.

But not, I feel compelled to point out, for burning crosses in students' arms with an electrical device. According to the AP, that was a separate matter, there was a "plausible explanation" for it, and it had been dealt with separately. No, they didn't say what that explanation was. Yes, I am irritated that these details weren't made clear. And yes, if it turns out that burning a cross into your arm lets you watch gay porn and masturbate for hours without coming, I will once again experience deep, deep regret.

It's just the price I pay for my dogged commitment to intellectual inquiry.