Archive - Jan 26, 2011

State Of The Obvious

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Memo to: Mark Kirk, Tim Winter, and Steve King: YOU ARE DUMB.

The State of the Union was last night, but fuck that. A bunch of empty promises and bullshit, as usual. Even the one thing it's good for - framing the debate - will likely be framing things in a triangulated, Clintonian, center-right fantasy land. I mean, the left is holding its breath wondering whether the Democratic president is going to defend Social Fucking Security. So to hell with it. Time to deal from the bottom of the deck and visit some largely unrelated IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"We should not bring Guantanamo terrorists to the heartland. It would make us a new mecca for terrorists, for Al Jazeera and other network attention and I think would lower the security of the entire United States. Having Guantanamo Bay far away from the continental United States is very helpful in that that’s the center of attention rather than any American community. Bringing this to the heartland I think presents a clear and present danger to the security of the American people. - Illinois senator Mark Kirk.

Hey, Gitmo's still open and we're still arguing about where to keep our indefinitely detained unconvicted prisoners of not really a war. And hey, look, Evil Muslim shit like al-Jazeera covering trials would lead to us getting bombed is still valid discourse. Maybe if we'd closed the prison and had a few trials get going right now, instead of buckling under to every Islamophobic NIMBY fuckwad in Congress, we'd at least be able to say "See? Nothing bad happened" to the Mark Kirks of the world.

"Children and families are the real victims today. This ruling will only serve to embolden the networks to air even more graphic material. In this instance, ABC intentionally chose to air a scripted visual depiction of a fully naked woman before 10 p.m. There was absolutely nothing fleeting or accidental about it. The inclusion of the lengthy and ogling scene was intended to pander and titillate. This was a clear breach of the decency law. And now, nearly eight years after the episode aired, ABC is told it doesn't have to abide by the law." - Tim Winter, president of The Parents Television Council.

Holy shit! The networks are going to air even more graphic material... than a naked woman's ass during an NYPD Blue episode EIGHT MOTHERHUMPING YEARS AGO.

You see, because our legal system is designed to deal with important issues in a timely fashion, the FCC's fine of ABC for the 2003 ass shot was just recently overturned. An ass shot that nobody remembers and nobody cares about except Tim Winter, who has spent the last eight years ogling the scene at length and being titillated; and the FCC, who, as a government agency, is obligated to defend its legal right to enforce ridiculous standards.

"As I deliberate and I listen to the gentleman from Tennessee, I have to make the point that when you challenge the mendacity of the leader or another member, there is an opportunity to rise to a point of order, there is an opportunity to make a motion to take the gentleman's words down, however many of the members are off on other endeavors and I would make the point that the leader and the speaker have established their integrity and their mendacity for years in this Congress and I don't believe it can be effectively challenged and those who do so actually cast aspersions on themselves by making wild accusations. - Steve King, ASC, on January 7.

You know how I know it was January 7? I'll tell you how I know. Because on January 7, I closed Spastic Topic Monkey Friday with a short rant about how not only is Steve King the stupidest son-of-a-bitch in Congress, but that he kept getting stupider. And it went up that morning. And one of the first things Steve King did that morning was to go before Congress and say that thing I just quoted above.

"Mendacity", of course, means the quality of being a lying motherfucker.

I could have mentioned it sooner, but keeping up with the logarithmically increasing torrent of stupid shit that pulses from King's gaping maw like gamma rays from a supermassive black hole is a full-time job. A task that even I am not up to. It would require a Hercules of columnists to clean out the stables of that man's skull, and I am not quite a demigod yet.

Mendacity!