Archive - 2010

January 1st

The Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade, FINALE

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Memo to pretty much who you'd expect: YOU ARE DUMB.

Welcome to the year we make contact. But before I can make contact with my inner pantsbomber, I need to finish up the unfinished version from last decade. Specifically, the Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade. We've covered defeated dumbness, abstract concepts, entertainment, and sex, and now it's time for politics, and a list of people that will not surprise you in the slightest.

#5: John Kerry

How the fuck do you not beat George W. Bush in 2004? Yes, the war. Yes, we're idiots. But a significant pile of blame has to be laid squarely at the feet of the Democratic candidate, John Kerry.

First, he was boring. He had the worst qualities of Dem politicians of his era – a combination of obsessive policy wonkery and a love of nuance, and just fucking ran with them. Why use one word when you can use two, that was the John Kerry credo, and therefore, his appeal shrank exponentially.

Not to mention that the very reason they picked him is also the biggest mistake he made. Kerry got the nod because he was a war hero. They figured that if they ran a war hero against a war president, the right's ability to attack Kerry on grounds of being an anti-war pussy liberal would be neutralized.

And then the right attacked him for being an anti-war pussy liberal anyway, and they were caught completely off-guard. Idiot. Dubya's second term was a miserable fucking time, and we could have been spared that if John Kerry had been a better candidate.

#4: James inhofe

If global warming leads to the collapse of civilization and our collective watery doom, it will be all James Inhofe's fault.

The senator from Oklahoma, a state nicknamed “the panhandle” afte the only marketable skill its politicians possess, has been the leading force for global warming denial in American politics. And he's not even clever or sneaky or malicious about it. He's just a moron.

He shouts “myth”, or claims that God will save us, or that global warming will be great for us, or whatever, and somehow the bellowings of this retarded Okie are treated with the same respect as people who actually went to school and learned things. We'd be better off putting the fate of the planet in the sticky hands of a monkey with a chronic masturbation problem.

#3; Joe Lieberman

When I think of the past decade, in many ways, I think of it as the decade the rest of you figured out what an epic dickhead Joe Lieberman is, too. He kicked off the decade as Al Gore's awful, awful vice-presidential nominee. And even though I don't blame Nader for Gore's loss, I do blame Lieberman for driving voters to Nader. And if that's slightly inconsistent, it's inconsistent in honor of Joe Lieberman, Lord of Inconsistency.

Over the decade, he has gradually aligned himself more and more with the right wing, all the while not only proclaiming himself to be a proud Democrat and liberal, but convincing other Democrats and liberals, from Harry Reid to Barack Obama, to vouch for him. Sure, there's a knife in our backs, but what craftsmanship on the hilt!

Joe Lieberman has spent the last ten years fucking over every single person who's placed their trust in him. Fuck him, and fuck the idiots who keep trusting him.

#2: Sarah Palin

Many politicians, mostly on the right, have courted the vote of the ignorant. Sarah Palin didn't court that vote, she embodied it, embraced it, and made it her own. She is brazenly stupid, consistently wrong, and never, ever ashamed of it. And by doing so, she became the darling of the Crazy Third.

Like them, whenever Sarah Palin was shown to be a moron, it was always the fault of the circumstances and people that showed her. It's like blaming noses for the fact that shit stinks. But when the couch is ugly under flourescents, incandescents, LED's, and sunlight, eventually you have to admit that the problem is your taste in furniture.

If, perhaps, you are wondering why perennial YAD participant and psychotic bitchmonster Michelle Bachmann didn't make the top five, well, it's because Bachmann is just Sarah Palin without a following. Michelle Bachmann will be lucky if her own anti-census fear-mongering doesn't end up eliminating her own House seat, which is likely the highest office she could ever aspire to. Sarah Palin was within striking distance of the presidency. The only thing keeping Palin from destroying us all is that it's too much work for too little money.

#1: George W. Bush

Like Kenneth Pinyan yesterday, George W. Bush faced no real competition whatsoever for the top spot in this list. Unlike Kenneth Pinyan, however, George W. Bush was the horse's dick. And you know what that makes the rest of us.

People argued for years over whether Dubya was a moron, in thrall to evil forces manipulating him like a puppet, or an evil, malicious bastard in his own right. I see no reason to choose between those two, or even make the distinction. The first decade of the new millennium was the Bush decade, plain and simple. And the considerable amount that the decade sucked is directly proportional to how much of an evil moron bastard our President was.

Of course, he couldn't have done it by himself. All you fuckers who voted for him, who supported him, who apologized for him, who gave him a pass in your newspaper columns and editorials and TV talk shows, through two wars and torture and a drowned city? When it comes to the dumbest motherfuckers of the decade, consider yourselves #0.