Archive - 2010

January 13th

What's The Opposite Of A Fond Farewell?

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Memo to Lou Dobbs, Ed Koch, and for one last time, Sarah Palin: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'd like to thank the stupid people of the world. My large and well-proportioned readership has certain... expectations. And one of the things they expect is for at least three stupid people to step up every single week and say something dumb enough to warrant getting slapped down for in IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. It's a difficult and thankless job, yet week in and week out, you perform... well, not admirably, but certainly in an impressive and prolific fashion. Let's get to it.

"I ask a question, and I am attacked from the extreme Left as a quote-unquote birther. I mean, what the hell is that? When you can create a controversy by asking what seems to me still a perfectly commonsense question? It has been used in the extreme Left to create a toxicity that is just unbelievable." - Lou Dobbs, being interviewed by Esquire for some reason.

Allow me to answer Lou Dobbs' implied question - "birther, I mean, what the hell is that?" A birther is someone who questions whether Barack Obama was born in the United States. They do this by asking questions about whether or not Barack Obama was born in the United States. That's what questioning means. If, after looking at the evidence, and listening to the claims of the various proponents, you still think the place of Barack Obama's birth is a "perfectly commonsense question", then your being attacked as a birther is not a product of the extreme left. It's a product of your deliberate and unapologetic actions causing you to fit a definition.

But Lou Dobbs has a problem with actions and definitions. He doesn't want to be a birther even though he questions whether Obama is a citizen. He doesn't want to be anti-immigrant, even though he questioned whether or not immigrants were bringing leprosy with them over the border. This is a problem, because a Lou Dobbs who's defined by his actions cannot possibly move on to the next phase of his career. Which is why Dobbs will probably go into politics. It's a field where nobody's defined by their actions.

"Of course the vast majority of Muslims, there are 400 million, are not terrorists. But there are hundreds of millions who are. They want to kill every Christian, every Jew, every Hindu who won't convert. And we ought to put it on the table. - Former New York City mayor Ed Koch, on Fox News, elevating the discourse about terrorism yet again.

It is a testament to the raw unmitigated gall of Rudy Giuliani that the above is only the second-most appalling quote about terrorism spouted by a former New York City mayor in the past week. Here's how incredibly stupid Islamophobia has made the right in this country. Ed Koch thinks that hundreds of millions of Muslims, committed to killing every Jew, Hindu, and Christian who won't convert, would resort to terrorism. Here's a hint, dipshit. Hundreds of millions of militant murderous Muslims would have every army on the planet outnumbered by a considerable amount. They wouldn't be sneaking through airport security with a few ounces of high explosives tucked in their underthings, they'd just hunt you down and shoot you in your whiny, bald, empty head. Since that is not happening, may I gently suggest that perhaps your numbers are a bit off? As is your entire fucking worldview?

“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.“ - Sarah Palin, on her new deal with Fox News.

And with this entirely predictable development, I bid a fond farewell to Sarah Palin. I'm hanging up her number. She's finally got her dream job - to be paid lots of money, and be famous, while doing no work whatsoever and never getting in trouble for being wrong. Where else could she land but as a Fox News pundit? She's one of the few people on the planet who would think of being on a major-party Presidential ticket as a stepping-stone to talking head. She was probably relieved to lose the election and save herself an extra four years of paperwork and civil-servant salary before moving on to the big time. Notice how committed she was to governing Alaska?

Since she's decided to take a job saying garden-variety stupid shit for money, she now largely falls way outside the purview of this column, which ranges from stupidity that matters to stupidity that's entertaining. Palin's new gig prevents her from falling anywhere in that range, so her and her husband and her moose and her weird-named abstinence-taught brood and any baby-daddies they have or may have in the future can fuck off to the same sewer of pop-culture semi-obscurity reserved for reality show stars and one-hit wonders. I expect you'll fit right in at Fox, and not just because of your politics. Word has it that Rupert Murdoch's ass tastes just like slightly spoiled venison.