Archive - Sep 23, 2010

Regressive Is A Bad Thing

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Memo to the rich. PLEASE. STOP FUCKING WHINING.

You know what? Let's punish us some fucking success already. I hate that phrase so much. If you raise taxes on the wealthy, you're punishing success! You can't punish success! You'll discourage success! You must hate success!

Fuck. You. I don't hate success. I do, however, frequently find myself hating the successful. Especially the successful who want us to think they've got it tough enough as it is without Obama letting the taxes they pay on all the money over $250,000 they make go up. You'd think he was raping their dog, the way they wail and gnash their teeth.

Most of these people have been fucking us for years, and now they're crying tears of blood while they're fucking us and turning everything around them to shit. What do you call an act like that, anyway? THE WHINY-ASS ARISTOCRATS.

One such weepy rectum is Ben Stein, who we all hate already, but now get to hate more. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I am a fairly upper income taxpayer. Not anything even remotely close to sports stars or movie stars or financial big boys. But I am above the level Mr. Obama says makes me rich. So, in the midst of a severe recession, I am to have my taxes raised dramatically. I am not quite sure what my sin is. - Ben Stein whose most recent sin was getting paid by CBS to write this shit.

Look, you creationist-enabling fuck, you had a game show where people tried to win your own money. You can apparently bankroll vanity documentaries denouncing evolution. And there's plenty of room between "rich" and "obscenely fucking wealthy" for you to live in while the rest of us try to make ends meet without getting laid off or taking "voluntary" leave without pay. And we can't fall back on handjob handouts from our buddies on the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal when things get a little tight.

You know who else whined briefly, before people noticed, he got embarrassed, and took it down? Todd Henderson, who learned very quickly that the Internet is forever.

"I, like the president before me, am a law professor at the University of Chicago Law School, and my wife, like the first lady before her, works at the University of Chicago Hospitals, where she is a doctor who treats children with cancer. Our combined income exceeds the $250,000 threshold for the super rich (but not by that much), and the president plans on raising my taxes. After all, we can afford it, and the world we are now living in has that familiar Marxian tone of those who need take and those who can afford it pay. The problem is, we can’t afford it."

You notice how all these people say they make "more" than $250,000 a year, but never say how much more? Just vaguely minimize it? Gee, I wonder why that is. Also, I'm pretty sure Richard Marx never said anything about the people who can afford it being the ones who should pay. Not that it's that egregious a principle, unless the guy who picks up the check when his friends are a little tight is just as bad as Stalin. And speaking of someone as bad as Stalin, he goes on:

We also have someone who cuts our grass, cleans our house, and watches our new baby so we can both work outside the home. At the end of all this, we have less than a few hundred dollars per month of discretionary income."

Well, maybe you should clean your own fucking house. Also, how many hundred is a "few"? Because if you aren't lying about how much over $250,000 you make, your taxes aren't actually going to go up all that much a month. And if you are lying, then suck it up and mow your lawn.

This is the same philosophy that carefully examines every fucking cent a welfare recipient spends to make sure nothing they buy gives them any pleasure at all. Let's take a look at your expenditures with the same vigor. I bet we can find all kinds of savings that would make your possible impending tax hike completely painless.

Anyway, that money's not making you happy. Science just proved* it. Everything over 75 grand is just wasted on shit that doesn't make you any happier. And I'm pretty sure the study meant that before taxes. So you know what? In the spirit of the Democratic Party, I'll start by compromising.

Let's take that $75 grand, and make it take home. Since taxes work out to about a third, so let's say $112,500 is the salary at which point you maximize your happiness. That's for one person - for a couple, that'd be $225,000. Now, kids don't pay taxes, and they're not people, so let's count them as $30,000 just because I'm feeling generous. That's $255,000 for one kid, and $285,000 for two kids. If you have more than two kids, then you're doing it for your own personal entertainment, so we stop there.

So here's the deal. We keep the current tax levels for incomes up to $285,000. And in exchange, if you make more than that, then you have to shut the fuck up about what you pay on the income over that. Because as science and math has proven, any money the government begrudgingly lets you keep at that point is just bonus coin you're blowing on, at best, pretend fake-happiness and a sense of entitlement so strong you'd dare, DARE, to whine about how you can barely afford to pay your maid in the midst of the worst economic downturn in 80 years.

So fuck it. We'll give you the first 285, out of the goodness of our hearts. If you can't make ends meet on that, then lower your standards. Your employers already have, obviously. But you don't have it hard. I don't have it hard, and I'm rocking less than half of the peak happiness money. So suck it up, grow a pair, and stuff that pair in your mouth so that we can't hear you whining anymore. Pay your taxes.

*If I can stave off one e-mail by using the words "intentional hyperbole" here, it will have been worth it.