Archive - Sep 16, 2010

Delawary

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Memo to Chris Coons: YOU BETTER WIN THIS SHIT.

I, like all my fellow travelers on both the professional and amateur left, am tickled pinko at the Delaware Senate primary victory of Christine O'Donnell over Mike Castle. Because it means that people will explore, in great depth, O'Donnell's history of completely insane views, and this will be - and in fact already is - funny as fuck.

Funnier than fuck, come to think of it, since O'Donnell doesn't think fucking is funny. She thinks fucking is fucking serious. She even thinks masturbating is fucking serious. She's got it all - the teabagger credentials of Rand Paul, the intelligence of Sarah Palin, and the anti-sex prudery of Phyllis Schlafly.

And there's a chance she could become one percent of the Senate. I mean, sure, it's the one percent representing Delaware, which, as states go, is basically two dozen credit-card company P.O. boxes and one Revolutionary War museum, but dammit, it's still a state, which means it gets two senators, and Christine O'Donnell will, if Democrat Chris Coons doesn't win in November, be one of them. And that would be a bad thing.

For example, in 1996, O'Donnell appeared on MTV to explain why masturbation was evil. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

""The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust! The reason that you don't tell them that masturbation is the answer to AIDS, and all the other problems that come with sex outside of marriage is because, again, it is not addressing the issue. You're going to be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, why am I in the picture?"

That is some grade-A awesome vat-grown Jesus Camp shit right there. Shame, guilt, ignorance, and repression, made all the more creepy that this was recorded three years after she finished college, where, by her own admission, she was "in the picture" with a healthy number of Jersey college boys. Nothing like a born-again prude insisting that now we all gorge on saltpeter and Graham Crackers and wear spiked rings on our dicks to discourage any adulterous loinstirrings.

Around that same time, she was working as a spokesbeast for the Concerned Women of America, who are not unknown to this column. And so, she spent a lot of time promoting the agenda of what was then known as the "religious right", and are now known as "Glenn Beck's Audience". Including... wait for it... creationism!

"Well, creationism, in essence, is believing that the world began as the Bible in Genesis says, that God created the Earth in six days, six 24-hour periods. And there is just as much, if not more, evidence supporting that."

That is, of course, not true. It wasn't even true in 1996, when we all thought the Macarena was cool. Well, O'Donnell didn't think it was cool. She thought it was the Masturbata and only required one arm. My point is, we still had science then, and no matter how much she talked about how the Mt. St. Helens eruption proved that God created the world in six days, it was bullshit then and it's bullshit now.

For fuck's sake, on Politically Incorrect, she said lying was so immoral that she'd have to get direct guidance from God before deciding whether or not to LIE TO HITLER about whether she was hiding Jews.

The woman should, by even the slightest application of logic, reason, or sanity, be completely fucking unelectable. So you can see where I might be... concerned.

Having this woman actually be a sitting US Senator would be like giving Michele Bachmann a Mega Mushroom and letting her plow through DC, crushing everything in sight, while her legions of teabagger followers, caught up in her wake, save all the teenage boys by ripping the penises from their shaking, sweaty hands. This is what we in the reality-based community call a BAD THING.

So please, Chris Coons. Don't fuck this up. Trounce the crazy woman in November. Not only will you help prevent a GOP takeover of the Senate, you'll strike a valiant blow for evolution, lying to Hitler, and jerking off. And that's a compelling legacy for any politician.